6 Observations About Black Woman And Non AM/BW Sites

30.3.11 ShaSha LaPerf 17 Comments

I remember years ago when I realize that I liked Asian men and me wanting to meet Asian men and other black women that felt the same way. As a geek who had been familiar with message boards and forums since the days when AOL was on floppy disks, I figured the internet would be the best way to go. So I started joining sites. Unfortunately I soon realized just how small that world was as I found myself running into the same sites over and over. So I considered joining sites that where people discussed Asian men and dating, but not specifically them dating black women. I never planned to use these sites to meet real people offline; I just liked hearing opinions from different types of people. Unfortunately as a black woman I often found myself in a den of Asian men mostly interested in white women and black women are ignored or made to feel like shit.


Nowadays there are a few places for a black woman to feel comfortable talking about and to Asian men but that number is still small compared to the number of sites that aren't exactly targeted at black women. Some sites I got bored with, others I stayed on. And some sites had so much site going on that it really wasn't worth my time.

Of course I'm not just talking about just one website. My observations are actually on several different ones over the years starting way back from my Asian Avenue days. So here goes:

1. Sites for Asian Men and Non-Asian Women usually means sites that cater to Asian Men and White Women First
Yep it's not secret that a lot of Asian men prefer white women. Some sites are pretty clear on this, hell they'll put it right in the title. And for the most part I have no beef with this. We all do have our preferences right? I don't touch these sites because I do try to respect their preferences. But some sites will be a little trickier. They'll either say the site is for "AW and Non-Asian Woman" or "AW/XF" Hell, they'll even go through great pains to lists the type of women that the site is open too! But you soon find yourself wading through a long list of topics about how white women feel about this or that. Or the "hottest celebrities" thread is filled with pictures of white women. Wait that's not true; there will be at least one picture of Beyonce, Hally Berry, Rihanna, and "token dark-skinned girl" Gabrielle Union. LOL but for real some sites out there are open to black women.

2. The "Do you Date Black Girls?" Question Always Opens a Can of Worms
We all have seen this question before. A black girl notices the lack of references to black women and out of curiosity will pose a question to the men about how they feel about black women. Sometimes it can be pretty specific like "Do you like black women with natural hair" or very broad like "Why Don't Asian Men Date Black Women?" In general this question will open a can of worms but sometimes can give you insight on the type of people on the site. Strangely questions asking about liking white girls seem to get a lot of positive feedback. But this question will always lead a lot of pages of drama. Sometimes you'll get guys that will openly say they don't care much for black woman. They may give you list off a bunch of stereotypes about black women or will go the "my parent would kill me if I brought home a black girl." But pay close attention to what some of the other responses are. Some guys will try to be PC when really they're just giving a back handed comment. For example:

Yeah there are guys here that like black women ( really means "And I'm not one of them")

When I was in elementary school I knew a hot black girl ("And the only time I think about black women  is when I see this question on a message board")

I'd date Beyonce in a minute ("But I would never date an average black girl because she's not good enough for me")

There are beautiful women of all races ("I date black women...after I date everyone else")

I think what's the most amusing are the responses from white women, despite the fact that the topic isn't about them. Generally they will respond to in the thread with similar PC answers like "Of course you're welcome here!" and "I knew an Asian guy that dated a black girl and she was sooooooooo pretty!" (notice how they have to add that). And watch how the men will react to them. Sometimes guys will flirt with the white women while in a thread about black women! To be fair there are Asian guys on these sites that general like and date black women or just women in general. In fact they'll even be bold enough to call out Asian men on their white girl worship. I bet that guy is suddenly getting a lot of messages from the black girls on the site.

3. A Lot of Asian Men Think Being "Open-Minded" About Dating Means Dating White Women Only
There are quite a few Asian men out there that will whine about how white women aren't flocking to them, reminding everyone how beautiful white women are while calling them close-minded for not wanting to date Asian guys. Hell they'll even talk about themselves being so open-minded since they want to date white women. Clearly their idea of being open-minded is pretty damn limited. These same guys hardly ever consider being dating black women. You'll never find these "open-minded" guys in any threads about black women and if they are they're giving a line like "Sorry I'm not racist I just don't date black girls." It amazes me how these guys will expect sympathy and a shoulder to cry on when they're treating others they way they don't want to be treated. Sure I understand you have a preference but that's just it, a preference. An open-minded man is about to dating woman of all races. Of course black girls will get on a guys ass for this (and being labeled the "troublemaker" until a non-black person responds).

4. Calling Out People On Their Racist Shit Makes You A Troublemaker (or A Racist), Especially If You're Black
As I said before the "Black girl" question always leads to a lot of drama. But sometimes race-related drama will appear in threads not related to that one at all. Some one will make a comment about how they hate Asian guys that acts "ghetto" or talk about how they only light girls when pale skin. And let's not get into the amount of not-so-happy comments aimed at black men that pop up on these sites. The second a black woman questions something that could be potentially racist she is the one who's causing issues and will be seen as the bad guy. She doesn't have a sense of humor or is playing the race card or being too sensitive. . If it's a black girl that is well liked on the board people may listen. But if she's a newbie or not as popular she might be made to feel like shit until a non-black person has to come to her defense or also acknowledges that something is racists. Generally it's not until the others complain before the person saying the racist things is banned or reprimanded. Meanwhile the black girl was probably already banned or left the site on her own. When I see this happening it reminds me of several blogs on the site Stuff White People Do except in many cases the people doing the "white people" stuff aren't always the white ones.

5. Black Girls Will Try To Fight Stereotypes But End Up Adding to Them
Of course we're well aware of the stereotypes we face and how they can affect dating Asian men. So on some message boards black girls will try their hardest to dispel these stereotypes. They're polite, flirt with guys, use cutesy names and pictures of themselves in their best yukata. They try to ignore or play off any type of racial microaggressions and will remind people of how "not-black" they are. Then Sai'Niqua rolls up in there. She's the girl who's already called people out on their shit a few times. As a result this pisses off the other black girls who feel they've managed to transcend their race and feel they worked so hard to maintain a "good black girl" image. And this leads a to blow-up between the black girls and adding to the idea that black girls = drama. Of course Asian men will go at each other and even the white women will go toe to toe. But when you're the minority on the site and you do something negative of course people will notice it more. And most of the time there isn't really a "good side" or a "bad side." Is Sai'Niqua making issues out of nothing? Or is she on to something? Really depends on the situation. For the most part the women on the site will squash the issue before the mods have to step in, but the fight will leave a mark against black women and potentially used for ammo against them in later threads. This will also affect other black girls who join the site later because they'll because be asked to choose a side early on without even know what the fuck happened before she joined. It doesn't matter who was being leveled headed or who was being a troll all people will remember is the black girls caused drama.


6. Yes Good People On These Sites Do Exist
I'm sure y'all are like, "dang did she like ANY site that not AM/BW? Well sure I do. Despite all the crazy ass stuff you may find, not every site is filled with assholes. You can meet some pretty cool people of different races and ethnicities. Like you they share an interest in Asian men and other things. You can always expect assholes, but for every asshole there is at least a few sane people that are fun to forum chat with!


Well that's about it. I'm definitely not discouraging women to join AM/XF sites, but just be mindful of what you may run into. You might have to pick the right battles to fight. If you find yourself fighting a hell of a lot of battles then let that shit go! But you can also meet some cool people as well, who see you as just more than the black girl in the Avatar. I didn't list any sites because I think you should go ahead an take a chance. You might find some sites that aren't that great for you but you may find something that's right up your alley.

17 comments:

  1. Very insightful post.

    I just left a pop website and read a news clip about the group Super Junior. I found it interesting that some of the groups members like Heechul, said that he wants to consider interracial marriage by the time he's in his thirties.

    That sounds fine and dandy to me,but if he considers it, I wonder what woman did he have in mind in doing it: A White, Black or a non-Korean woman? I'm just as weary as you are when people talk about it. Too often interracial marriage isn't about Black vs Asian,but the other way around. I remembered reading another article where interracial kids of Korean/Filipino descent were being left in orphanages. This is one of my predominate reasons that I have to question that.Otherwise, it would be nice for one that people can see people as people and not their race. It would be nice if Heechul would consider a sister as his soulmate.

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    1. Yeah, I also have read those articles! I really like Asian men too- I'm mixed. My Dad is from Ghana and my mum is Euro. I hope Heechul is still available. LOL But seriously, I wish Asians were more into mixed girls :/

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    2. yeah it would be nice, but whenever i see a comment like yours im always thinking why do some black girls whenever they see that an asian is willing to be in a interracial relationship is always asking "hm. i wonder if they'll consider a black women?, or "i hope they date a black women"", because asian and black relationships aren't the only minority asian vs relationships.

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    3. I think it's because a lot of Black Women feel they are unwanted in general, it's a sad feeling really. The Black race is the most discriminated race on earth and black women as a result are also very misunderstood :-/

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  2. I totally feel you. Before joining the narrative I was on a #1 type of site and I just left after seeing all the #2's play out with horrendous consequences.

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  3. @Anonymous: Sometimes Asian guys will say they want a "Western" girl or "American" girl when they really mean a white one. I don't know much about SJ or Heechul, but I would give him side-eye too if he used those words when talking about interracial dating.

    @Goddess: The frustrating thing is that on #1 sites you'll often find way more men then women which is why I think some black girls will stay around on those sites. When I see the "black girl" question and the drama I will add my two cents depending on the atmosphere of the board. But yeah sometimes you have to just leave a site because of the hostility towards black women no matter how many times people will say there isn't any.

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  4. Words cannot describe the difficulty an interracial relationship, between a Black woman and an Asian man, is. It's one of the rarer combinations and because of so, people don't exactly frown upon the thought—but merely lack the understanding. As an Asian man, I grow tiredly disappointed at the concept of AMBW relationships. I left these websites a long time ago. They're nothing but a bottomless pit, where the deprive collect and mingle about Japanese culture and K-Pop. I like your blog. It's deeper than just that. Keep up the posts. There are followers, even when there aren't footprints to show (: ])

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  5. @ Su, thanks for checking out my blog. It's always good to hear the opinions of Asian men on such topics. Your complaint about topics on forums is something I've seen a lot of Asian men complain about. To some extent I understand why Asian pop culture is discussed because pop culture is often how we're exposed to one another. However I do think people just have to remember to keep that ish to a minimum, so we can learn about each other outside of what we're seen on TV or listening too. LOL that being said, I hope my talk of Asian pop culture doesn't scare you too much! :P

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  6. I stumbled upon your blog by accident (I was looking up "has hiphop jumped the shark," and got your "has the dance crew thing jumped the shark).

    My personal fave is: "Race is not a problem unless you think it is! Everyone just has a preference!" followed by "hmm, I dunno why the IR dating rates are so lopsided... oh well, lol"

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  7. I used to be so attacted and into Asian men and Asian cultures...because I found most Asian men fascinating, handsome etc... and the cultures to be really wonderful and interesting. I wanted to learn more so much more about the cultures. So I did join some forums specifically dealing with Asian men and interracial dating/marriage etc...I remember I used to go to Goldsea,asiaavenue etc...forums... I learned very quickly from joining those site forums...most of the men were really that open minded, and for the most part...traditionalists or just plain limited when it came to dating or just communicating with a woman other than Caucasian. Well, I ended up marrying a man from Ireland and we have been very happily together for 8 years now...when I think back,I used to really somehow think I would maybe one day end up with an Asian man, because I really was attracted to them at one time in my life. I just kept running into most of the things that you have mentioned in your blog and it was discouraging to me. I am happy for the interracial relationships between asian men and black women that actually turn out successful...but its really a rarity. I think black women do better in interracial relationships, dating etc...with white men, especially from the U.K. or other parts of Europe. The men are more open minded and not afraid to open up their minds. Sure not everyone thinks this way...but I will say they are a bigger majority of open minded men who are not afraid to marry you, take you home to meet mom and have children with you.

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  8. I want to emphasize that I am happy for AM/BW couples out there that really work, and are successful. I do also know that most of those sites for AM interracial etc... are not for Black women. I think they might as well just put it in the titles of the sites, even though it may not be "politically correct" it doesn't matter...they should do that to let ppl know ahead of time so there are no mind games or wasted time.

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  9. Sorry for the misspellings...
    take care...

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  10. About Heechul I'm a big fan of Super Junior, he's actually mentioned this a few times but he's stated he means white women only he's also highly praised for having really white skin and could pass for half white (I watch ALOT of Korean variety shows)

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  11. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    1. Deleted comment since it was sent by email. :) I'll reply to you there Na.

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  12. the world is changing fast in Korea. the interview with super junior saying they'd interracial date was probably for show. but then I see that when it's a group of girls and they're doing a fan meet and greet. They always gravitate towards the token black girl. I've seen it many times. Umm when Heechul said he'd date a foreigner he means anyone NOT Korean. it makes no difference to them. It trips me out to see black women ask if Asians will date them. Why wouldn't they? I don't see black women asking if black men will date them? cause obviously they will right? Korean men are heavily pressured by their families to marry their own race. That's why they don't marry other races, but give it time. as more people visit Korea they'll see it's more out there.

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