Rejection Sucks, But Get Over It

3.12.11 ShaSha LaPerf 6 Comments

 I know I've posted this video before, but since I do think there is still a fair amount of people out there that think the world will end if they get shot down, I decided to post the video again:

But hey, what's the point of posting a video if you feel like you can't relate to it right? I often try to paint myself as a confident black woman who could walk up to any hot Asian guy, lay on the charm and have him coming home with me. Well it certainly hasn't been that easy for me. As a tall gangly girl it did take me years to actually become comfortable with who I am and even now I have my shy moment before I got into "smooth talker" mode. Eventually I did become a more forward person and decided to start going after what I wanted in the dating world. And as a result, I've had my fair share of nasty rejections and turn downs. Some of my worse rejections include:

  • A guy who goes out a date with me and tells me he's going to the bathroom only to actually leave hanging the rest of the night
  • A guy agreeing to be in a relationship with me only to tell me a week later he didn't want to be with me because his parents hate black women

But one of my bigger fails happened while I was living in Japan. I was on my last year in Japan and found myself losing friends fast. My closest friend Terri had returned to the states and my other friend Alisha was too busy with her boyfriend to hang out with me any more. So I went out friend shopping and met Masa. Masa was a pretty outgoing guy who had lived in the states for a while and worked as a somewhat typical salaryman (though his job required him to travel around the world which is pretty cool). Masa was the type of persona the was very intent of helping everyone in the world. when I mentioned that I wanted a TV for my new apartment, he didn't hesitate to recruit his friends to drive me across Tokyo to pick up a TV--which he paid for. He introduced me a lot of his friends but never treated me in a "look at my cool foreigner friend!" way. In fact he playfully scolded any of his friends when they wanted to use me for English practice and told me to only speak Japanese to them. This in turn actually increased my own friendship pool as I found myself. It was his friend Kota that invited me to my first and only goukon.

Masa and I were spending a lot of time together and I found myself realizing that I wanted to be friends with him. But I knew it was a tricky situation for me because I still had plans to return to the states. Plus Masa had a girlfriend. So now my life was turning in a J-drama as I tried to be a "friend" to Masa while hiding my true feelings as well as try not to think of ways to kill of his girlfriend in a cartoon manner. When Masa and his girlfriend broke up, I was excited and nervous. There were some nights where I literally couldn't sleep because I was up all night thinking about him. Which sucked since I had to run around with kids a lot the next day.

Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell him I wanted him to be my boyfriend...right in the middle of Shinjuku station. Yep, I was lacking in serious common sense there. Masa told me he was flattered and that he would think about it and let me know in a week. During that week I'm a bit of a wreck. I didn't try to contact Masa and he didn't send me an email until the end of the week to meet.

That day was a work day, but I still put on my best outfit for the night. Masa took me out for shabu shabu, which is generally on the pricey side. I saw this as a good sign. At dinner we didn't kept the conversation light and it was total fluff when we later went out for tea. Finally we make our way back into the station and my heart is pounding because I knew this was it. Masato told me he'd though a lot about what I'd said and that he really, really liked a friend.

Yep, a big pile of REJECTION bricks fell on my head. He gave me a hug in the station and I somehow managed to not cry until I got home. I was pretty hurt for a few days, but I was also proud of myself that even though I had gotten rejected, I was able to tell him how I felt. It was much better to know that I did do something about my feelings versus just letting things stew and wondering what he would have said.

And after I thought about it, there were red flags that Masa and I wouldn't have been good together anyway. I didn't know all the details about his break up with his girlfriend but they'd only dated about three months. LOL maybe it had something to do with him going on a goukon? Moreover, Masa had once told me he really likes doing his own things and I didn't understand that until later on.

Masa and I remained friends while I was in Japan and even afterwards. Last year he visited me while he was on a business trip and I showed him around DC. This was before I met Shen, and I thought my old feelings for Masa would pop up when I saw him, but to my surprised I was just glad to see MY FRIEND and not the guy that rejected me. I was totally over it, and it made the time I spent with him in DC much more fun.

So yeah I've had my fair share of rejections, and they hurt like crazy. I felt like something was seriously wrong with me, that I was no good, and I didn't understand why. Sometimes it took me longer to get over than I wanted to, but I didn't try to force my feelings way, just dealt with them as they came. But then I was like, wait a second, I really can't let those guys get the best of me. They hurt me, but I should be living my life for them and their approval. There are plenty of other guys who would love to date me. I realized that those guys just weren't the right ones for me and if anything probably saved me from more traumatizing events in my life. Cue Beyonce's "Best Thing I Never Had."

Besides had I kept feeling like crap or pursing guys that I knew weren't right for me, I probably wouldn't have met Shen, who I think is the right guy for me. And no I'm not saying that because he reads my blog, but because I simply think it's true. Although Shen is the one who asked me out on a date, I was the one that told him I wanted to be in a relationship. Of course I was nervous because I really did like Shen and I bet some people are like, "girl stop being so damn forward and let him get to you." But having those bottled up feelings is just so much more exhausting than getting things off your chest. And Shen was fairly happy to answer. So things worked out for me.

People will find all kinds of reasons to not want to date you, but don't let that get you down and don't let it scare you away from telling someone how you feel. Fuck those people! Get things off your chest and hope for the best. It may lead to some not so good things, but who knows, things really may turn out the way you want them to be.


  1. Rejection is one of the things I fear when it comes to guys. I'm a shy and self-conscious person. Being shy has been who I am for many years now. At times, I try my hardest to come out of my shy personality, which works sometimes and then miserably fails other times. If I were to see a cute Asian guy, the chances of me actually approaching him and being forward is slim to none. I get nervous and freeze up. There is currently this one guy, he is half Japanese, and I was talking to him and he said that he really likes me. However, he said something to me that made me kind of mad. And I don't think he is as interested in me as much as he is interested in "it" if you know what I'm saying? Lol.

    Anyhow, I know coming out of my shyness and self-consciousness would be my first step in feeling more confident and comfortable in myself. As for as rejection goes, the best thing for me to do is not to dwell on it and move on. Besides, I'm starting to notice the guys I'm interested aren't the right type for me, ^^; and like what you mention how you knew they weren't right, I know as well but for some reason I still talk to these type of guys. Dx When the right one comes along, I will hopefully realize it.

    On a side note, when you said, "A guy who goes out a date with me and tells me he's going to the bathroom only to actually leave hanging the rest of the night" <-- that was really bad. I can't believe someone would do something as rude as that. If a person is not interested, I believe that they should be up front and mature about it. That was very immature and wrong to do. Dx I was appalled when I read that.

  2. I only admitted my feelings to a guy once and later vowed to never do that again lol (granted I am fully aware that this decision may lead to me being single for a long time, so I'm okay with that). I do admire the women who don't let rejection stop them from getting the guy the like/want.

  3. Great post.

    Rejection sucks.No doubt about that. If I was turned down by someone, I didn't always get it. Maybe something was wrong with me or maybe I was born to be hurt. That was my initial view of myself.

    It is said that we may be turned by someone for a reason and most of the times it us meant to be. I think about an old boyfriend. I so much thought that I wanted to be with him,but once I started to date him, I just couldn't get into him whatsoever and I didn't get why. He tried to lavish me with nice gifts and kept talking about all of that materialism to impress me. He could probably could have wooed some other women with those things,but material things aren't what makes me stay with guys. Eventually, we broke up.I felt a little bad about it,but I didn't cry and just felt plain relived after that.

    When I look back, I asked myself, why I didn't want to be around this guy? Then I was thinking about something that my mom and Ankh talked about on this matter: Maybe if I would have stayed with him, it could have been possibly tragic. ( another thing , he was too secretive. couldn't deal with that). I'm not saying that he would have, I don't know..but those signs there.I couldn't trust him.

    It's the same with the men you discussed on here. I think about some of them like the ones you discuss about being dumped by some of those guys because of the hatred the had for Black girls. I just hate it when they say that. Ok, I would never want my boyfriend to be disobedient to his folks,but racism is wrong and when it comes to you, you should be first pick and he should be man enough to fight for your honor. With all due respect, that just sounds like something a 7 year old would say getting their parents permission to go on a fieldtrip. It's great that this wasn't meant to be. If these cannot stand for you, more than likely he will not do it for anything else. You will always be in last place and you're union will eventually be destroyed because of it.

    In some cases,rejection doesn't always mean that you're being let loose from something bad. Life kind of reminds me of junk food. Yes it taste good and we ( at least some of us) love to eat it,but it doesn't mean that it is good for us at that time..or at all. He could be the nicest man and husband material,but it doesn't mean that he'll be the one for you, he could be good for someone else. Far as I'm concerned,the right guy will be at the right place at the right time.

    In the past, being rejected hurt me. Don't get me wrong it still is uncomfortable being done that way,but I see another side to this: being rejected also means that something good will eventually happen from it all.

  4. Ah, good ole rejection. I know her well.

    I admire you, ShaSha, for being open and forward with your feelings. It takes a lot of guts and honesty to approach relationships that way. The world would be a better place if everyone were that way.

    That being said.... I, being a spineless worm, have personally decided NOT to do that ever again, if I can help it. It never works out for me. If a man really really wants me, he will find a way to let me know definitively. If he's feeling so-so about me, or he's too concerned with what his mommy and daddy think, or he'd really rather be with another woman instead, then he can have at it.

    This post is kinda timely, because I just broke up with my guy. I felt like I was the only one making any effort to connect emotionally, and he wasn't really receptive to making any changes. Ok, I get it that dating may be different in Korea, but frankly if he really wanted our relationship to work then he would have made sure that I felt wanted and appreciated. I FELT rejected constantly! I'm not eager to feel that again.

    So, I'm making it my Official Dating Policy & Protocol that a guy has to show and prove that he really really wants me, and he has to KEEP doing that. I'd rather be alone than feel rejected again TT

  5. By the way, ShaSha, I've been thinking all day about Masa's reaction when you shared your feelings with him. I think it's super sweet how he went to such lengths to let you down easy and be gentle with you, to keep you from feeling bad. That is so kind of him! I'm glad you were able to remain friends.

    Like I said, I have been thinking about this issue a bunch, and my break-up has me a bit addled right now :/ Maybe I will soften up on the issue when the smoke has cleared a bit.

  6. Blah late reply. My computer was having virus drama earlier this week so I was trying not to log into a bunch of stuff.

    Definitely want to say thanks to you all for sharing your stories! Being rejected is something that can be pretty difficult to talk about. The stuff that happened to me was a few years ago so I guess it did take me quite a while to get over them all, LOL.

    @Panda: The guy and I were at a club when he told me he'd be back and didn't return. What got me wasn't that he left but I stupidly agreed to share a locker with him. He took his things out the locker and left mine there with the locker open. Luckily I had all my important stuff in my pockets, and my other items were in the lost and found. I was ready to murder that guy, but I didn't want to get arrested in Japan. :P

    @M: Since there may have been trust issues with this guy it does sound like a potential bullet was dodged! And your junk food analogy is really spot on. As for the guy with the parents, I'm glad I didn't go down that road. He was well into his 30s and at that age if he still felt he couldn't stand up to his parents, he never would and it would lead to an unhappy road.

    @Joyful: Sorry to hear about the breakup. Yeah, I'm not one for putting in all the work either. Relationships definitely take two people to work. If it's 90% and 10% him then I can image the stress that can put on just you. You're in Korea now? I have friends living their and I have yet to really ask them about their dating lives. In Japan, I do think there were some cultural cues I missed, but in the case of Masa and the guy that let me at the club that was definitely universal (well assholey in terms of the latter). I was upset that Masa didn't want to date me, but I wasn't actually mad at him the way I was with the other guys because of the way he did things. I think it's also why I was able to still be friends with him afterwards. I do feel like he did spend time considering my feelings before letting me down.