Should We Rely So Much On The Experience Card?

14.1.12 ShaSha LaPerf 7 Comments

Ahh. The "Experience" Card. I'm sure some of us have encountered people who have used it and have probably used it ourselves. But what is it?

Well ever have a conversation about dating and someone decides they can't date a certain group of people because of a previous encounter? I've seen people use rejection as a way to shut people out. "Oh I give up on Asian guys because the guy in my class didn't like me." And "That black girl was too busy trying to talk to my black friend even though I was the one that approached her. No need for me to talk to them again!" Then there are the people who just had one random encounter and decided that he's never date someone because of it. "Shit, I can't date black girls! I was walking home one day and saw these two black girls fighting on the street. That's not for me!" Or "My best friend dated this Asian guy and he couldn't even say he loved her! Why should I deal with those dudes?"

Well that's the Experience card. I think sometimes people use the Experience card because it's an excuse that can be pretty tough to dispute it. You're an outsider, what do you know about how certain past events have affected someone? It's a way to justify excluding a group of people because that person had actual contact with them and it went over bad. And it'll be pretty easy to find someone who had a similar experience and will agree with you.

But I think it's also a load of crap.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand that past encounters can have a huge affect on us, especially when it comes to dating. I'm not talking about people whose encounters involved more traumatizing events like rape, physical abuse, etc. I'm looking more at the folks I mentioned in the above paragraphs. If you were treated like crap but an Asian guy before, why would you want to do through it again? However, I think you're giving those previous encounters too much weight. There are a few reasons why relying on past experiences is pretty problematic:

1. A Bad Experience With One Person Should Not Apply to Everyone.
You know how we get pissed off when someone who's watching Basketball Wives decides that black women are unruly and not worth there time? I know I don't act like the women on that show. We may share skin color, but duh, we're not all the same. And it sounds pretty silly to base you reasons for not wanting to date someone off a TV show. Well guess what? The guy who decides not to date black women because his black waitress wasn't the nicest person in the world sounds just as ignorant. Because you're doing the same damn that as the previously mentioned person. You're assuming that the black girl sitting next to you on the subway reading The Hunger Games on her Nook is the same girl who turned you down when you asked her for her number at the club last night. Don't be so damn bitter. The girl that turned you down as that black girl, not this black girl. And I know you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of this either now do you?

And sorry, but I find myself very suspicious of anyone who says they only have bad experiences with one group of people (plus there "all" usually just means 2-3 people instead of 1-2). You know those people. You remind that we're not all the same but they counter with, "Oh yeah? Well this happens to me every time I meet these people! Enough is enough!" Well it seems to me if you are having issues with every person in the same group on different occasions, the common problem factor is you. Not being as ass, you're doing it wrong.

2. Shutting Out People Cuts Your Dating Pool.
Like I said before, I've pulled the Experience card myself on more than one occasion. I completely shut out Korean men and Chinese men because one or two I had dated were terrible sex partners. So I decided that based off those two dudes, Korean and Chinese men couldn't fuck for shit and I had no interest in dating someone I felt like I could have good sex with. LOL, I know, I know that sounds really, really stupid, and I full accept your judgements of me for it. Anyway, it was also stupid because I'm living in an area where a fair amount of the Asian men were Chinese and Korean. Of course I was still open to dating other men, but cutting out those two groups definitely took a hit to my dating pool. And I certainly wouldn't have met Shen (though I have to say I was still not so keen on men with children due to past experiences and I did check to see if Shen was baby-free before talking to him. I'm trying much harder not to be so hypocritical nowadays). In the end, why let one or two assholes make it harder for you to meet people because you cut an entire group off your list?

3. Relying On "Positive" Experiences Is Just As Bad As Relying On "Negative" Ones.
I've heard many a women deciding to only date Asian men because the ones they met were sweet and kind. Sure, there are plenty of Asian men like that and that's certainly a reason to want to date them. But there are a lot of Asian men who are total assholes too and no they are not that hard to come across. So what happens the next time you encounter and Asian guy and he's not so nice. Do they suddenly get kicked out your dating pool? Again, stop assuming that one group will act the same because of one or two people.

Now I'm not saying you should brush off every bad experience you've had. I know it sucks when you meet someone and it's not the greatest thing in the world. Don't try to date someone just to spite your experiences either. If you don't have an honest connection with someone and they just happen to be the same race as someone you had a bad experience with before, then don't try to force anything. There's certainly nothing wrong with having reservations and proceeding with caution. Definitely learn from past experiences, but be careful not to let them overrun all your decisions.


  1. Thank you for another excellent post. One of my pet peeves is when people make generalizations about a whole group based on something they HEARD from someone else----in other words, they picked up someone else's raggedy 'experience card' out the trash and started using it as if it were theirs.

    1. @Guaria del Bosque

      It is horrible when someone just goes off of rumors. I had a classmate tell about a teacher of SE Asian descent telling a story about only seeing Black people through Hollywood movies as scary ppl.

      When that teacher came to the U.S. and saw Black ppl the teacher admitted to RUNNING AWAY from Black ppl that were seen (D:<<-my face). That teacher later actually MET Black ppl and realized that the movies were inaccurate but it was still just shocking for me to hear. I know some groups of ppl only sometimes have exposure to other cultures through movies but I've never heard of something like that happening. I'm sure that was just a special case..I hope.

      @ShaSha LaPerf
      You give great advice that should be common sense but apparently sense isn't actually common ><. I like your dubbed "Experience Card" as well, sums things up nicely.

    2. LOL at raggedy experience card! I can give someone the benefit of the doubt when they've had a negative experience with people one or one, but those who just rely on what they've "seen" and "heard" are just using lazy excuses. We all see and hear things but it's up to you to realize that hello, you can't believe everything and something expect things to always be bad with some one.

  2. The older, I get the more I learn about life and one of them is the truth about people.

    As I've mentioned many moons ago, I've been more attracted to men of other races more than I have Black,but there still have been many Black men that I have been attracted to and dated. Other than a grandmother who had negative things to say about darker skinned Black people( I'm not dark,but I just thought she was a negative influence and I didn't really care to be around her too much), I didn't think negative about them. I guess I have those attractions because of where I 'm a product of a mixed environment,but it didn't mean that I shut them out.

    As we all know the problems with stereotypes: they are just unproven rumors. Unfortunately, people are more gullible in believing them than search for the truth. This had me thinking about something that I've seen a couple of weeks ago concerning two Asian men I see at a pizza eatery.

    Initially, I first noticed these men walking there. I admit, they were seriously hot and had the bods to got with it( I think they knew it too!).They were so cute that it made me want to be in my 20's again.I had to wonder what on earth were they doing without their shirts on in 50 degree winter weather? Anyway, as they got inside the pizza place, they were trying to figure out what they wanted,but as they were trying figure out what they wanted to eat, they began talking about some girls they have been dating. Shasha, all of that filth just drooled out of their mouths. They didn't say they had sex or made love to these young women. They continuously said the "F" word. Ugh! It got to the point where even one of the workers of the place told them to clean their mouths with kind words or he'll throw them out of there. I couldn't blame him. I was saying to myself how much I wouldn't be bothered with guys like that.

    Just imagine if I would have looked at these two Korean guys( they say they were from there) as stereotypes.They aren't supposed to be players, they are supposed sweet and kind, and don't sleep around and I still feel that there are Asian men who are like this,but not all of them as these guys were the example of Asian men I would not have been bothered with.

    Far as Black women, its the same. I'm not " ghetto" and even if I were, I wouldn't represent all Black women and it's wrong for people to assume that. The thing that I hate about these stereotypes that it will stick on Black people more than anyone else. To me, when people have those upsetting stereotypes about people, they already had those stereotypical expectations about them from the beginning and if they failed to live up to what they wanted them to be then the whole race of men/women become losers.

    I see it like this..they are MEN and WOMEN first and that is how people should see each other as. Good and bad exists in every race and having a culture doesn't mean they are automatically good people and living in ghettos doesn't make you an immoral bad person. It can be frustrating when you're struggling to come across the person of your dreams. Perhaps, with some people, it would be less of that if they just see people as people instead of unfounded stereotypes.

    1. ^This!

      LOL at those guys at the pizza joint. Yeah that's one of those moments where no matter how cute they are their attitudes trump everything.

      What's funny to me is people that will accept some behavior from some people and not others. Like if the guys at the pizza joint were black it's an example of bad black behavior, but if they're Asian it makes them cute and bold.

    2. Shirtless in 50-degree weather & talking loudly about their sex lives in pizza parlor?

      I would've laughed so hard.

    3. sounds like something from a Spike Lee movie