Dating Asian Guys 101: Dating Asian Men and Loving Asian Pop Culture

21.5.12 ShaSha LaPerf 25 Comments

Previous article:
Dating Asian Guys 101: Initial Contact


So apparently there is a fair amount of Asian men out there that are not a fan of girls that like Asian pop culture. I say Asian pop culture (APC from this point) because let's face it, the majority of the chicks out there are really online interested in stuff like K-pop or Gothic Lolita clothes, or whatever. Sure you can sing a song in Japanese. It's cool that you spent two weeks and Seoul. Wow, you can make Indian curry? Great. But you're far from really understanding what the hell Japan or China or The Philippines is about. So most of the stuff you may know and like is pop culture. I'm sure there are some of you that do have extensive knowledge of some Asian cultures, but most of y'all don't. 


Anyway, it seems that many Asian guys encounter these type of women. I've actually only seen these type of comments on message boards and Facebook groups though so I'm assuming it's a prevalent thing online. When you're in those groups, it is pretty easy to find some topic relating to APC compared to say, one about the return of the Care Bears (my childhood continues to die with this new one by the way). The guys have various reasons, for not being into girls like them. Perhaps the most common reason is her alleged "Asian fetish" and her potentially not liking the guy for who he really is.


I was somewhat amused by the amount of actual anger coming from men since me liking APC never really got in the way of dating, regardless of the guy's race. And it's certainly not all Asian guys that feel this way. My knowledge of anime was often seen as impressive and the fact that I did speak Japanese was "cool." Haha, okay that mostly happened when I was in Japan, but that's not the whole point here. :P I also never let these things dominate conversations or really give that many fucks about guys' that didn't like these things.

Although I've written briefly to the ladies about keeping their interest in APC in check, I am going to give them a bit slack here. I haven't really spent that much time talking about how you can date Asian guys all while enjoying APC. So I wanted to spent this post just giving some advice on bridging the two. LOL it's a basic way of having your cake and not annoying the guy you want to date or may date.



There's No Shame in Liking Asian Pop Culture
Most people get exposed to other cultures through pop culture, which is probably a good thing and a bad thing depending on the source. And there's really nothing wrong with enjoying pop culture from another country. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed that you know all the words to "Shiki no Uta" or own an extensive collection of Hong Kong movies. When you do talk about your interest in these things, do it with confidence.



But Don't Be BatShit Crazy
There's a difference between being an fan and being batshit crazy obsessed with something. Seriously it really is obnoxious to be around someone who adds "desu" to the end of their sentences or rambling on and on about how much they love SHINee. It can be a major turn off to men...well to people in general.

 

Imagine running across a cute Asian guy...and he starts going on about his new motorcycle and his collection of motorcycle helmets and if his motorcycle was a woman, he would cheat on any of his girlfriends. Seems like that would be a bit of a turn off. So just remember to keep it down a notch, especially with people you just met.


Have Other Things to Talk About
You finally start getting into the "so what do you like to do? What are you hobbies? what do you like to listen to?" questions. I would suggest not immediately running to the "OMG I loves me teh J-pops!" to an Asian guy even if it is clear that he may like it as well. It's like when someone you simply said "hi" to suddenly blurts out to your black self that they voted for Obama. It's probably their way of trying to connect to you and don't mean any harm from it, but it's an oblivious case of "othering" you.

 

While you can mention that you like J-pop, you can also mention that you like other things as well. Aren't you more than just that Arashi T-shirt you're wearing? Make yourself an interesting person dammit! Do you like to cook? Do you read things outside of Bleach? Don't fear about your hobbies make you sound like a geek, just make sure you actually have freaking hobbies! Because if he doesn't like J-pop, what the heck are you two going to talk about? If the both of you are drawing a blank, then it seems to me that there's no real connection there. Move on to the next one.


Don't Get Defensive
So we know that even though damn near everyone has seen Pokemon or owns a Wii having a more serious interest in things considered to be geek culture still leaves you open for harassment from people. Now there are guys that may ask you, "why do you like that shit!?" or the much loaded, "Are you trying to be Asian or something?" Pay attention to how he says it. He could just be joking. Maybe you're the first black girl he's met that likes Japanese dramas and he honestly wants to know why. His tone, maybe a half smile or a look of interest in his eyes will tell you that he's not asking to be mean. Just tell him, "I like what I likes," and leave it at that. You don't need to give him the history of anime on the spot because he probably doesn't care. And if you're feeling this guy you don't want to bore him to tears right? Some guys can totally rag on you about liking these things. Unless you're doing something illegal, this guy really doesn't have a right to shit on you for your hobbies. That kinda screams asshole and someone you probably wouldn't want to spend a lot of time with. Try not to get into a hissy fit in front of him because in the end, you'll be seen as the one who's batshit crazy and embarrassed you showed some random guy you're ass. If he still bothers you after you gave him the "I likes what I like," attitude, then you can clearly tell him that while you understand not everyone will like APC, you're not interested in being around people that look down on what you like to do. He may realize he's being an ass and apologize. But if he still doesn't get the hint, let dude go.


Your Interest in APC Isn't About Him...and It Shouldn't Be About Him
It doesn't even matter if the guy you meet is Korean and likes K-pop, what you like about K-pop shouldn't have anything to do with him. If he does like it, see it as something cool you have in common, not finally collecting that Korean guy that liked K-pop. And think about other situations. If you see an Asian guy in the bookstore--yes I did say bookstore...they still do exist--are you attracted to him? If so is it because he's Asian? Does he suddenly become unattractive because you find out he's as "American" as you and the cookbook he's reading isn't about making Chinese food?


Too many women are still hung up on the idea of finding the fantasy Asian boyfriend that will bring their love for APC to a higher level. You have to remember to keep your fantasies and realities separate. Sure you can think T.O.P. is hot, but he isn't the guy standing in front of you right now. It's also good to remind a guy that your interest in said cultures has little to do with him. How? Well, if it's clear that he doesn't like any of these things, don't try to bug him about participating in these things and what not. I've watched J-drama at my computer while Shen was sitting in the same room watching something else on TV. My manga is all over the place, I just pick it up, read it, and go on my way. Not everything needs to be a "couples" thing.


That's What Friends Are For
Just because you're in a relationship or casually dating doesn't mean you have to do everything together. Have friends that have a similar interest in APC. I have of friends that are big into anime. There's no need to pester Shen about it since I know the other people who already have an interest are there to talk to.


And he's the same way. This should apply to you as well. Make sure you have folks around you that do share your love for APC so you can drive up to New York to see that Big Bang concert. LOL just don't let them bug you into meeting your boyfriends Asian male friends though, that might be a little tacky.



Peak His Interest With Something Well...Interesting
Like I said earlier, not every Asian guy hates APC. Some of them just don't give a fuck one way or the other simply because they just don't know about it. But they might be willing to find out why APC is such a big deal to you if he sees your eyes glued to the TV screen watching Last Friends. Maybe he's tired of being excluded from something you obvious are a big fan of and wants to find out just what makes it so interesting. Try to find things that you think will appeal to his current interests and what not. Don't bombard him with a bunch of things at once, just show him a few things. If he's a guy that likes hip-hop and is looking for music, don't show him this:


Show him this instead:



Does he like a good action flick? He might like this:


By the way if y'all haven't seen Chocolate SEE IT!

This way not only are you opening him up to new things, but you're also taking into account would he likes. And he might not like anything you give to him, but remember that he did put some effort into trying to get to know more about you. Who knows, maybe he'll give it another shot later on.



Compromise
Relationships in general will have some give and take. If he's spent some time doing something that interests you, spend a little time partaking in some things he likes, even if you aren't a fan of whatever it is. For time you made him dress as Sulu for Halloween (or sexy role play), watch the Superbowl with him. Haha sorry that probably sounds gender bias, but it was the first thing that came to mind. The point here is try to put as much effort into what he likes as he does for you.


But Don't Be BatShit Crazy
Yes I need to state that again. Really, don't be an obsessed freak.

That's all I got for now. I'm still working on other posts related to this series and will post them, LOL slowly but surely.

25 comments:

  1. Love the post!

    However I am having a hard time breaking the ice as far as talking to an Asian guy. Although you make great points but it seems more applicable if the woman is talking to an Asian man already.

    A few times i would come across Asian men (a few are influenced by hip hop). I complimented this one guy, fine as hell, he said thanks, turned away, and that was it. I guess i wasnt white or one of those black women that are constantly plastered in videos.
    When im on the train, a few times i would make eye contact and it would be so nice. Then a white woman steps in the train, the eye contact is shattered and i catch the Asian dude damn near drooling over the white woman. I live in NYC and one would think its alot easier for black women to date asian men. Hell no it isnt...its more difficult.
    The only Asian guy who would love to be with is: happlily married with a Jamaican woman and they are having a baby.
    Just my luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Justina,
      I wanted this blog post to apply to several cases: women that have a lot of encounters with Asian men, women who are in or close to a relationship with one, and women who have a few opportunities. With these particularly posts, I want to cover a bunch of situations and will try to make it clearer earlier on what the scenario is (like the first post being about initial encounters.

      As for breaking the ice, it sounds like you already have a basic idea of how to do that. It just sounds like you're on the subtle side, and in both cases used basic flirting tactics. You were brave enough to put yourself out there for someone you could have been interested in.

      Unfortunately, no matter if you're just being subtle or outright flirty, the reality is that it's not going to work on every guy. I don't know what these guys were thinking and the reason why they didn't jump at the chance to talk to you can vary. For example, there are still a lot of Asian men that are completely oblivious to the idea of black women being interested in them and might not have read your tactics actual "interest." It might even be related to race or you at all. Who knows?

      And here's another hard reality: dating is HARD. I'll never say someone can just go out there and meet the man of their dreams because it's not always that easy. Don't matter if he's Black, White, Asian, Latino, finding a guy that loves you as much as you love him can take a WHOLE lotta work and maybe some time. I have friends that DID find that right guy early on, but it wasn't an easy road for me to finally find Shen. And I have friends that are still looking for that person to be with. I know NYC has a sizable population of Asian men, but quality and the one that's matched for you is a different story. He might not even be in NYC at all.

      Perhaps this will sound like a cop-out but like I said it sounds like you're on a right track, just continue to put yourself in the line of sight of Asian men (hey! non-Asian men for that matter), and continue to maintain eye contact, smile, talk to them etc. I won't say that doing these things will immediately lead you Mr. Right, but you never know.

      Delete
    2. Word!
      You are right.on alot of points. All i dated was Latino men, i stopped dating black men in high school.

      There is one guy, Vietnamese, who used to live up the block from me. We were friends for a long time and i used to visit him and we would just chat. His mom died when he was six and his father moved here to the US. We would have the highest grades in class, i was behind him by 1 point lol. The teacher was this manish looking white lady and i could tell she was stuck on that stereotype that all Asians are geniuses and gave him extra credit. One day we took a test and helped each other with the answers. When we got our graded papers back, he was pissed because she gave him 5 points extra and told her to give me the same grade because we had the same answers. As time went by he went off to college and i got caught up with a heroin addicted.spanish dude. (At the time, my mom and i.had a fall out, she put me in a shelter eith women who were drug addics and prostitutes and it was mandatory to go to NA meetings and thats where i met my oldest's father. I never met anyone with a heroin addiction before. God watched out for me and my daughter, i couldve contracted Hep C or AIDS/HIV. Cut him off before i gaveb birth) My Vietnamese friend.found out I.had a kid (i was 22) I could tell his heart broke.It was so akward. We did like each other but just didnt know how to date, lol. Mainly for fear of chastisement. Mybmom liked him and she spoke to his dad a few times. I think he is still in Pennsylvania, he was.going to Penn state when i saw him a few years ago. He probably has a girfriend now...i dont know. Too scared to find out.

      Delete
    3. Usually when.im on the train, I see alot of Asian men. Good grief, in suits, regular clothes, soo sexyful, lol. I also believe that there is a culture gap. Some of the older.generations see black women as the negative images on tv and dont want thier sons to date a black woman. Thats another factor i run into. Even in countries like India - its the same problem. The kids are openminded but they respect thier parents opinions and.dont want to hurt them so they lose love because of that...and when they marry someone thier parents approve they are unhappy but deal with it. Other are on some "i love this black woman because she loves me" and they are happily married. I see that alot.
      Tv impact peoples opinions about each other and alot of times its in a negative light.

      Delete
    4. Your story is amazing Justina. I see a lot of shit on television, but I don't use that as an excuse to stereotype people. Images of Asian men in the media/movies are either A-sexual or some kind of Villain.I've been bombarded with these images for some time now, but I still don't allow that to influence me. I judge people an an individual basis. Unfortunately the same is not done for black women, or black folks in general. People see negative images and swear up and down that every last Black person walking the face of the Earth is that way. I don't have time for that kind of bullshit, sorry.

      I'm not interested in a man who allows his parents to run his life either. I realize some of these things are cultural, but just because it's cultural, doesn't make it right. I see a lot of these guys using culture as an excuse to fool around with black women, but not to bring one home to meet their parents. I'm pretty intuitive. I can spot this kind of game from a mile away.

      Delete
    5. Yup.
      One of my cousins are in a school for.the fashion industry and she has has a few Asian friends. They get along just fine. The younger generation is a little more open, but so are the ones born in the 80s, lol.

      I dont go by those horrible types on.TV either. Its sicking and sometimes racist. However, some people allow tv to define thier opinions on certain individuals. For example, whos the ones with all the power and money? White people. Who are the ones starving and broke and struggling: perople of color from every part of the world. You and i both know thats not how it really is but media has taken over society and for many (not all) solidified how people look and act and make false judgements.

      Some people i do know, thier friends happen to be with a Japanese or Koran man...the stories I hear are wonderful but they had to overcome alot of obstacles - especially when it comes to kids.

      Delete
    6. Using culture shouldnt be an excuse but if that is how they are raised there is nothing anyone can do. The only ones who can.change their minds is themselves.

      In any culture men and women have some kind of fault when it comes.to dating and how to love someone. I have that problem lol

      Delete
  2. @Justina

    Go to Asia. There are many Asian men there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lol. I wish. Im a single parent, and travelong to Asia is not in my budget right now.

      Delete
  3. Great post. My ex is Asian, and to be honest I'm heavily into Afro-cuban/Afro-Brazilian culture, and New Orleans culture. The music, spiritual beliefs, etc.

    He was actually relieved! lmao. He had come across a lot of Black women who were like the ones you discussed in this post. I'm not into K-pop/J-Pop so my knowledge is extremely limited.I have varied tastes so I know how it must be hell to have a conversation with someone who is heavily into K-pop and literally doesn't listen to any other kind of music.

    My ex, like myself, is a hardcore R&B/Soul/Neo-Soul fan, so we really clicked instantly. He's from Brooklyn (used to work in advertising for a Hip-Hop magazine) and I'm from Harlem (I'm a Astrologer/Soap Maker). I guess the key is finding someone who shares the same interests as you.

    A lot of these KPOP fans are completely detached from reality. It's actually quite scary.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah I didn't know how scary K-Pop fandom could be until a few years ago. I've been into Japanese pop culture for quite some time so meeting black girls that wanted to marry Gackt or some anime character was what I was familiar with.

      I think it probably helps to have a diverse group of interest. As I've said, I've told Asian men that I like I'm into Japanese pop culture but it's listed with a ton of other things that I'm into. If anything my interest in J-pop culture was spawned from other interests so I'm more likely to mention those things first; it doesn't lead my life. When I first met Shen I don't think I really even brought up anime. I didn't talk about it not because I was embarrassed or ashamed, but because we had some many other things to talk about that I just didn't think too much about it.

      Delete
  4. You should be a counselor because you really give sound advice to your readers. This would have been great for me to use in the past when I was dating my ex, who was African. I had those " I wonder how should be around him kind of thoughts". To be honest, we respected each other, I felt that he had little in common with each other. It had nothing to with his culture,but he was on the left while I was on the right side of things. Besides, He seemed to be more into his job and it would be good to marry a man who didn't have any concept of you time in it. I was thinking about my Senegalese friend. If it wasn't for the fact that he was married( Never crushed on him), I would say that we had far more in common than my ex.

    My folks always told me to be me in any relationship that I get involved in and that is how I feel about it. Now, I can't tell if someone may be into anime/hip-hop because they just happen to like it or because it's an icebreaker for them,but I admit to having cringes about the ones that do focus on that. I think about the black woman who always obsess with anime or the Asian man who may do it with hip hop and I be like No,No, No!Thank god that with my ex, his African culture or my culture it, didn't predominate our whole relationship.

    I mentioned in a previous post about my late aunt's physical therapist. When I first seen him, I remember just wanting that guy. He was seriously hot, very nice..and older. For some strange reason with him, the possible cultural aspects, especially with me being Black, that was really on my mind,and the things he liked. For the time we talked those worries melted away during those seemingly 2 hours talks we had. We talked about some of everything. Ironically the things we discussed was mainly about school, Jazz music about people.

    I was 20, Kpop wasn't known back then. The closest thing to that was with me watching NHK, Sachi Koto, Vietnam and Bollywood and I've always liked these things since birth( partly because my father was into Asian culture as well). Not to say that my aunt's physical therapist wasn't interested in other Asian cultures,but I didn't think about talking with him about it. Even if we would have dated, I wouldn't feel comfortable having frequent discussion about anime or he about hip-hop( another thing that wasn't in the day)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You always write such great posts M. I agree there are some Black women who obsess over the Anime, etc. It's not a deal breaker for me if the man I'm with doesn't have the same musical tastes that I do. I'm pretty open and honest. Either I'm feeling something or I'm not. I just like a man who is open-minded, confident, secure in himself and curious about the world he lives in. I've pretty much thrown in the towel when it comes to dating anyway! LOL

      Delete
    2. LOL yeah M is on point as usual!

      As I've said before, I've seen Asian guys complaining about black girl supposedly want to "act Asian" because she like anime or K-pop. And I think that's an unfair assumption because enjoying those things can just be a part of who they are. It's not to say that there aren't some girls out there that actually would like to be Asian or say being black, but you also have to get to know someone before making such an decision about their character. This is why I cut some slack to the Asian guys that lead off with I like hip-hop because I wanted to give them a little time to show that hip-hop is just one thing they enjoyed and that one thing happened to be something that wasn't apart of his own culture (or it could have been depending on where he was raised). And he could be interested in other things too. I feel like if you keep finding yourself going back to the same topic that only you are interested in be it anime or K-pop or hip-hop than you're trying too hard to create a connection that seems like doesn't exist.

      Delete
    3. Shasha and Nicole..Thank you.

      Delete
  5. I think the "just go to Asia" advice is really apt. IME, Asian guys from Asia are not as concerned about whether a girl is a Koreaboo or not... if they like the way she looks. With an Asian-AMERICAN guy on the other hand.... you need to apply Sha-Sha's advice stringently! Unless you are white in which case all bets are off- you can dress like Shampoo 365 days per year, speak only Japanese, and be 786lbs while looking like a reject from a horror flick but it will be all good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL I give you points for mentioning Shampoo.:P But to be fair, not a lot of Asian guys are feeling white women that are big into Asian pop culture as well. The complaints about women into this is as prevalent on boards and forums that are predominately WF/AM. Not that different from what's on BW/AM sites.

      Delete
    2. I agree Sha. I've seen Asian-American men complain about the same thing when it comes to white women as well. It seems to really bother them.

      Delete
  6. You're right Sha Sha. I've heard Asian-American men gripe about white women who do this as well. It seems to be a big issues with them.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is great advice, Sha! In my experience, I've only known ONE woman who was able to flaunt her Asian pop/culture and get an Asian boyfriend. She's White and he's Japanese. But otherwise, my Asian friends have told me they don't appreciate anyone with an "Asian fetish."

    ReplyDelete
  8. Great Post! as usual lol

    and you make great points i completely agree with. Like for me, i don't really like overexposing my interest in K-Pop or Anime. (When i was younger i did though haha) Even though i'm only 17 1/2 I've calmed down. Although i was never a "Batshit Crazy".
    Even though i rarely have any type of interaction with Asian guys (in real life at least) i still feel a little weird saying i like k-pop or anime, but i would gladly admit it if asked or brought up. but in a subtle way of course :)

    But again love your post, & love your blog!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hey all. I just wanted to share my experience.

    I am half Japanese, and half Black and have had wonderful experiences with dating Asian men. The key is to be yourself, use, use good manners and execute humor, show how smart you really are.. and they will fall for you.

    My first boyfriend I was with was a firefighter and Japanese. Next up, a tv news anchor of Chinese descent. Last guy I dated was a rocket scientist from Korea. All extremely good looking, smart, great builds, tall, etc.

    It is possible!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Man what happened to Zebra, he used to be such a good rapper.

    He's straight garbage now.

    ReplyDelete
  11. It genuinely seems like you like your guy for who he is, not just because of the recent K-Pop phenomenon. Although I find it questionable whether or not it's a good idea to spur these girls on who only want to date them because it's the current trend.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I like your post! It's brilliant and I love how your able to talk about being a Kpop fan but to keep it real at the same time. Sure we love SHINee and Big Bang, but people in the world don't look like them and so basing your love life from that is truly an unhealthy habit. I love Asian men aside from also loving K-pop, in addition to learning to speak Korean and being a Korean Cultural enthusiast all around. You will never hear me say I know everything about Korea, because I don't. It's a learning experience that will last for the rest of my life.

    I think your post is brilliant, balanced with the right message with enough to get it across in simple terms, though its a complex issue that is poisoning the minds of people. Is there a way I can subscribe to you? If you like K-pop I have my own blog @ http://kpoppopcorn.blogspot.com/ which deals with kpop news and also my personal takes on how I feel being a White American trapped in the K-pop craze.

    ReplyDelete