Dating Asian Guys 101: A Little Advice for An Old Soul

5.10.12 ShaSha LaPerf 9 Comments

Ugh, wanted to reply to this earlier, but it seems that sitting at a computer at work all day, 1.5 hour drives to and from work, and being on a desktop at home can lead to a very unhappy arm. I've been trying to spend a little less time on the desktop at home since my arms been bothering me for the past three days.Finally I just went out to buy on of those wrist thingies, adjusted the desk and chair legs so here I am on my desktop again.

So on the the post! This was a post from a young man who commented on the Run Girl Run! article I wrote a little while ago. I'm gonna call him OS for "Old Soul," which hopefully he and other readers will get as they read on, LOL. Anyway, I decided to make a blog post of out it for a few reasons. One, when I started writing the Dating Asian Guys series I was focused on writing as a woman who wants to date Asian guys, and not so much about giving advice to men. It's easier to see where the ladies are coming from. I do think a fair amount of what I write can apply to both genders, but I still lean towards giving the ladies advice. And that's a pretty one-sided way of thinking about things. I'm sure there are other men that read this site besides Shen and OS. LOL, I know it's NOT just the ladies getting to my site through "awbw porn" and "asian guys black girls" Google searches!

Two, I wanted to open this up a bit so that others could reply as well. I didn't want one comment on that page to end up being a bunch of comments there, so I decided to contain the discussion here.

Alright, so here's the original comment as posted on the blog (some slight editing made so it make sense as a stand alone comment):

I guess the biggest obstacle is being comfortable in my own skin; literally and figuratively. Like you said, men are assumed the role as the approachers and is becoming harder in this day age. Let me explain. Although I'm only going to be 23 this year, I've always got the impression that "back in the day" getting to know someone didn't always mean necessarily getting in their pants. Nowadays, I feel that when a woman is approached by a guy, the chick will quickly brush the guy off if he doesn't meet her definition of an ideal man. This might sound like "Nice Guy" territory, but the social expectations of what an Asian guy ought to be immediately turns (some of course not all) women of non-Asian decent off. Hell, even some Asian-american women will steer clear due to the desire to avoid being associated with that.

It's ironic because as America becomes more of a melting pot, there are actually more biases and hostilities towards interracial couples that aren't "normal" ie: ambw. When people think of interracial, (in the Western world) thoughts of different woman mingling with white men are more accepted. Anyone who thinks differently must have really diverse friends (which is awesome!-my good Indian friend goes out with a Korean chick) or simply refuses to understand the dynamics of modern America. Sorry for being a little political but like The Dramatics' song, "Whatcha See is Whatcha Get."

Like African-American women that have tendencies for Asian men because of the anime and kpop culture, I like Black women (never got the chance to get close with one unfortunately) because of my love of oldschool soul/disco and GOOD hip hop(going to a minority filled middle school in San Fran helped too). Don't get me wrong, I'm very open to meet people of any ethnicity though and try my best not to be a bigot towards any culture. Haha and I'm not a "thugabee," just your average Asian guy lol. dam that was alot more than I intended to write but o wells. Hopefully I didn't come off in the wrong way (end up in any of your categories) rofl! Thanks for listening:)

OS is talking about a couple of things, and I will address them as such. You mentioned before you felt you fall into the Nice Guy category, but without examples, it's hard for me to tell if that is the case specifically with you. However, I will say that the biggest hurdle you'll have to overcome is being comfortable with who you are. Most women regardless of their race will be attracted to a man who's confident. And I think this is where both men and women get confused. Many men assume that when women mean confidence, they mean the alpha male, Jersey Shore buff type dudes. And sure there are some women out there that may go for that.

However, a WHOLE group of women--myself and I will venture to say the women hear reading this blog--that look for much, much more. Doctor Nerdlove (who is becoming one of my fave bloggers) gave a good description here:

The so-called “alpha” behavior that men often mistake for confidence tends to be selfishness and a lack of respect for others, not the knowledge of one’s own abilities and value.Confidence is, ultimately a belief in oneself; the knowing what you’re worth and what you’re capable of even in the face of people who belittle or demean you. It’s knowing that you are equal to the trial at hand and the correctness of one’s path. Someone who is confident is tempered by self-awareness and humility; it’s less of an the idea that you can’t fail but the knowledge that you can succeed if you work hard.

And this isn't something I see in Nice Guys. I see a lack of confidence, a person riddled with insecurities, sometimes passive aggressive. I don't know how these guys get this way, but I can sense it. And many other women can too. And yes a lot of women aren't interested being into a guy who has to deal with these things. Hell most of us are trying to get over this stuff ourselves, LOL. So again, I don't know if you really fall into the Nice Guy category, but you'll have to give your own self a boost of confidence. Think about the type of women you're approaching, and the approach itself. And remember there's nothing wrong with having standards, but also reflect on how you yourself match up to them.

So let's get a bit more into a discussion about women brushing off the guys they don't feel are their ideal type. Well...of course we are! Seriously who wants to put time and effort into someone they aren't attracted to? That might sound a bit harsh, but think about it, why would you want spend your time pursing someone who's not into you? As for their ideal type, of course that will vary from woman to woman and you probably won't be The One for some of those women. The link I posted from Paging Doctor Nerdlove I think gives a good general basis to what a lot of women want. Is that list longer for some women? Maybe. But you really won't know what they'll looking for until you put a step forward and talk to them right?

Now let's get to the matter of race. Yes we'd all like to believe we live in a colorblind society when it comes to dating, but let's face it, racial stereotypes can easily damage your dating pool. And black women and Asian men have to deal with some of the shittiest stereotypes out there. You can quickly find yourself conflicted: how can I really be myself without having to fight for or against stereotypes? Will this person expect me to buy into them or will he/she have enough sense to know that not everyone falls into them. To tell you the truth, I don't know the best way to deal with it, because we really don't know what people are thinking until we get to know them.

You mentioned the idea of the default for IR in America is still white person + non-white person. Hell, I've had people in B/W relationships give me a look of disbelief in discover that I'm dating an Asian man. I guess the best way to normalize non-white IR couples is for them to appear more. More in the media and more on the streets. When it comes to BW/AM couples specifically, the internet is helping that happen with online dating, group meetups, YouTube videos (LOL though a lot of video are a bit of a mess and not good examples). Some people outside the internet are simply going after who they want and that person just happens to be black or Asian. I'm not naive enough to think that we're putting a dent into things because although I live in an area that has a fair amount of single black women and Asian men, I still rarely see them walking around like me and Shen. But I prefer to stay on the positive side. I think things are changing, just a bit slower than we'd like. But in the meantime to those who do have biases towards the non-white IR couple...well fuck those people! LOL, I really can just leave it at that. #shrugs

And finally, I think it's great that you have a preference for black women. I see preferences as liking one thing a bit more, but still being open to others. And there's definitely nothing wrong with being into hip-hop and soul music. I think I've said this before, but pop culture is a gateway to learning about other people and it doesn't surprised me if attraction comes from it. I won't give you the "remember not every black girl isn't like Beyonce" speech, but I feel like you probably already know that. And it's the same thing I tell the ladies that are into Asian culture, just remember that what you like is what you like. Don't expect everyone to be into, but don't push it one them. And don't let them shit on your for liking it either!

Okay, I think I covered all the bases here. I'm hoping this all makes sense. And now the floor is open! Any other advice for OS?


  1. Hello Anonymous!

    First, keep your head up. Both for your own well being and if you want women to not think that you're a sad panda and/or undateable.

    Second, take the comments below with the caveat that I'm not an expert of any sort, whether with the ladies or otherwise.

    Actually, I'm probably a recovering Nice Guy who learned that women are people who deserve to be treated well, but not placed on pedestals. With my limited sample size, I like to think that I punched above my weight (read: difference in perceived hotness) in part because I'm hilarious. I kid. I told ex-gfs how I felt about them, took an interest in their interests, cared about them generally and did the best I could to make the relationship work.

    With ShaSha, I try to do the same. And walk around the apartment without a shirt on. While we are an AMBW couple, we share common interests and tolerate our minor differences. I like large dogs. She like munchkin kittens.

    Maybe it is due to where we live, but interracial couples aren't uncommon. My public schools growing up were quite diverse. It is fine to be attracted to certain people, whether brown, yellow, red, Puerto Rican or Haitian, but don't limit yourself. Maybe you'll run into a nice girl who sings like Elle Varner or Esperanza Spalding. Or someone who can debate whether the United States of America is a melting pot or tossed salad.

    While not restated by ShaSha as such, I generally agree that women decide whether they want to … engage in relations with and/or date someone within the first few minutes. A relative attractiveness rule likely applies, but I find that it becomes less important with age and maturity.

    Do women prefer a-holes? It sure seems like it sometimes, no? Using an inappropriate analogy, it gets better. ShaSha is correct in saying that confidence doesn't equal alpha male. Maturity involves giving less of a F about what people think. If one fine woman of color who likes de la soul doesn't like like you, pick yourself up and move on. She probably likes the Black Eyed Peas, anyway.

  2. Couldn't have said it better myself.Great advice.

  3. Hello everyone! Said anon speaking here. I was just too lazy to setup a name in the reply so chose anon; but my name is Raymon haha. Man i usually dont actively reply on blogs but this seemed like a nice and friendly environment. I'm flattered my comment spawned this post Shasha! Thanks to the advice by repliers as well. Yeah honestly i dont feel like im much of a 'nice guy' actually; its more of a confidence thing when it comes down to it. I guess in actuality i'm really a shy guy until you get to know me. Don't get me wrong, i'm not someone that find it impossible to talk to strangers; i like it when i'm able to make small talk to both genders randomly.

    When it comes to being colorblind, i genuinely like women of all colors/ethnicities; it just happend we're on an ambw blog so i pointed that out in my comments hahaha. But this shouldnt be confused with "whatever i can get" territory. To be blunt, if that person enjoys my company and i enjoy theirs, then there can be something there. At the end of the day, it's about not being a bigot about color and hoping the other party feels the same way in my book.

    Thanks everyone! I understand my core problem is really building up that confidence and i should fair better in the dating circles when i do. O and like jack said, humour is important too, and i think im decent in that department lols. Thanks for the blog based on my comment again shasha, im sure your advice helped other people as well. Hope to hear from everyone again soon! Goodnight from san fran!

    1. Raymon again, sorry shasha, this is off topic but i remember looking thru your posts and saw a japanese hip hop video. I forgot which it was but it was the one with a rapper and his crew in the background. Sounds vague but it was a bit more old school looking/sounding. Had that beat stuck in my head lol thanks!

    2. Well since you know what the issue is, work on it! And lacking in confidence a bit is something that's probably easier to work on then having the "woe is me" mentality that a lot of Nice Guys have. You mentioned liking to make small talk, maybe try putting yourself in place where you can do it often, and just focus on the actual conversation part. If you meet someone you like, great, but that shouldn't be the entire purpose of doing so. And humor is sexy! It is one of the main things that attracted me to Shen.

      As for the video, it might've been something from Zeebra? I think I posted his Street Dreams video, which features a lot of Japanese hip-hop artists. He hasn't released a lot of music recently, but he has a lot of older stuff. You may want to look into DABO, Rhymester, and Nitro Microphone Underground. They are older artists and their styles tend to be similar to old school hip-hop.

  4. Awesome post as usual! I guess I'll add my own two cents as well.

    I can only speak for myself and a few of my gal pals, but I do believe that the when, where and how you approach these girls as well. Not all girls are open to flirting 24/7 and the more you push these girls about getting their number, the quicker you're going to get shut down. I imagine the same must happen with guys as well. After a long day, sometimes a girl just wants to be left alone on the bus to listen to her music or catch a few Zs and not really talk to anyone. Try not to take it personally; you could probably be Studly McBuff pants and we'd still get really annoyed if you were really pushy about getting a girl's number when she wasn't in the mood to give it.

    And yeah, I have to echo the whole Confidence does not equal Asshole. As I've learned, if you turn down a guy who comes off as Confident Asshole, they will quickly become the passive-aggressive (or outwardly aggressive) Nice Guy. Not a fun thing to deal with.

    1. For sure, of course everyone isn't in the mood 24/7. And confidence should definately accompany your existing personality. For me, i feel like a relatively laid back person, so confidence would mean being more brave in social situations vs being the alpha obnoxious asshole.


  5. It's so nice to hear from the guys, thanks for your comment Raymon! I'll bet there are several black women in your neighborhood/school/job etc who would be really happy to get to know you. Making a girl laugh is always a strong rapport builder. And black women are just women at the end of the day!

    I hope you'll find your match soon!

    1. Thanks joyful! I'm not too proud to be on a blog like this one haha it's always good to do research in anything in life despite it being good/fun information to know. This gives good perspective on what you deserve and what deserves you. Hope you find someone right as well! (If yoy havent of course) And thanks to shasha for replying to my comment as well!