Dating Asian Guys 101: Online A-Lovin' and A-Datin'

30.1.13 ShaSha LaPerf 4 Comments

Previous articles:
Dating Asian Guys 101: Initial Contact
Dating Asian Guys 101: Dating Asian Men and Loving Asian Pop Culture
Dating Asian Guys 101: The Matters of Shyness
Dating Asian Guys 101: Run Girl Run! Guys to Avoid
Dating Asian Guys 101: Fears and Frustrations

Yet another segment of the Dating Asian Guy 101 and this time I wanted to get into online dating. I started working on this last week, but have been busy working on some art work for a few folks and put this on hold until today.

This isn't the first time I've talked about online dating as it was one of my earliest blog post. But then I just focused on sites you'd like find Asian men. So I wanted to go more into detail about it.

So it's been more than two years since I've actually done online dating and I've mentioned here before that I met Shen through a dating site. But I have a lot of experience with it. Okay maybe way more than I should. In fact I first started doing it when I was in my teens back during the AOL chat room days. Back then I was in serious awkward teenager mode and being a tall, skinny chick with glasses, a flair for art and low self-esteem wasn't winning me any dates. So I turned to chat rooms on AOL to meet people. Over the years it went from AOL to sites like Black Planet and MySpace then venturing to sites like Craigslist and pay sites like and Afroromance. Eventually I found Shen on OK Cupid, and considering that I'd been doing online dating for almost 15 years, it wasn't an easy process, LOL.

Initially I started writing this post because of all the recent attention on the Catfish TV show and the Manti T'eo story. Shen and I watch the show pretty much every week and are amazed at the number of people still lying on the internet about how they are. But I figured just talking about that would completely turn folks off to online dating, and it's really just another avenue to meet people. Shen and I still get the look, when we tell people we met online and it usually delves into a story about how online dating didn't work out for so and so. Do crazy things happen in online dating? Sure! But after watching too many episodes of Scorned: Love Kills, Who the Bleep Did I Marry, Wives with Knives, Wicked Attraction, and Behind Mansion Walls (seriously I'm becoming obsessed with the ID Channel), I've realized that you can meet crazy ass people anywhere. #shrugs

So for those of you that are new to online dating or curious about it, this one is for you! Like my post about shyness, this isn't so much about dating Asian guys like some of the other posts, but it is about dating. Just a warning, this will be another very long blog post. Sorry I'm always more long-winded then I should be, and I had trouble figuring out the best way to break things up. So I decided I wanted to write about online dating from two avenues: two an actual dating site and through non-traditional sites (like Facebook groups). And this first part is just longer since I think it entails much more. I was a bit to busy to make silly pictures this time around so I'm just relying on a bunch of large headers to space things out.

Using a Dating Website
In my previous blog post I gave a specific run down on the difference between the types of dating sites from free ones to pay ones to more specific ethnic ones. So rather than go through that again, I wanted to give a few tips on how to handle these type of sites in general.

Choosing a dating site.
Like I said there is a variety of dating sites out there, even if you are specifically looking for Asian men. So how do you go about figuring out which site will work best for you and is really worth your time (and money)? First think about how you found out about the site. Through a close friend? Another website? TV commercial? This can probably help you figure out the kind of people that are using the site. For example, with, you can assume that there will be a lot of people on there compared to say TallPeopleMeet because of advertising alone. So that means you'll come across all kinds of people. At the same time, quantity doesn't always mean quality. A site can have thousands of profiles, but maybe only 2% of those people are actually compatible to you (I'm gonna touch on this later).

A few others things should be taken into account when choosing a website, like what the profile entails and your participation on the site itself. A site like eHarmony prides itself on finding THE ONE for you. It's been a long time since I've touched eHamorny, but I remember the profile taking almost an hour to complete because I was asked a billion questions. If you don't want to deal with that, then don't use eHarmony. On the other hand, a site like OKCupid has a more basic profile that you have to complete. Some sites also have daily questions and message boards and blog sections that can boost the number of people that see your profile. But do you want to spend your time doing this?

Finally decide on how much money you want to spend on this. People were paying matchmakers for years before online dating sites to find true love, so doing it online isn't a big deal right? Well pay attention to how much a pay site really cost. Sometimes there will be something that says "$100 for three months!" But that probably means they want the money upfront for three months and doesn't mean you'll pay $33 a month. Look for any small print; the actual monthly price could be $45 a month. If you don't want to use a site for three months, chances are you won't get your money back. But hey, for some people, knowing that others are paying for the site means that they are serious about finding someone. But others have done well on free sites too. So it depends on your own feelings and how broke or rich your ass is to spend on this shit.

Choosing the right pictures.
Ahh pictures. Let's face it, we're all shallow creatures who want to see what people look like. A picture will probably catch someone's eyes before anything else. I'm not going to get into a rant about how you should do those nasty cleavage or ass shots and how you shouldn't do those tacky mirror in the bathroom with your cell phone shots. Okay, I will say I was completely turned off by the latter. I mean most phones and cameras have timers. USE IT OR ASK A FRIEND LOL. But I will say you should choose the images that you think really represents who you are. If you're a person who likes to dye their hair 40 colors, then post that shot. Just make sure you're doing this because it IS about you and not a phony was you want others to see you. Try to stay away from the Photoshopping and the weird angles. Also try not to post a photo of you and another man on a dating website. It just looks odd and you'll find yourself wondering why people aren't replying.

I'm well aware that the "beautiful people" will get the more page views. But consider this, who are the people that are looking at the pictures? Who's look at the ass and titties photo girl, is that a guy you're really interested in dating?  Again, quality, not quantity. If you feel uncomfortable about showing yourself on a dating side, find more creative ways to do it. When I had my online profile, one of my pictures was me in a Ghostbusters shirt...because I fuckin love Ghostbusters. Now I did have other pictures (LOL mostly showing off the various braided extensions I used to rock back in the day), but the Ghostbuster shot was my main shot.  Take a silly picture of yourself. Take a picture of yourself while you're traveling or working. People who are genuinely interested will take note and respond.

Writing a great profile.
I have to admit, writing a profile for an online dating site is really agonizing  On the one hand you want to present yourself in the best light and want to make yourself sound really interesting. On the other hand, you're actually a boring person. It took me a while to master writing these things because I didn't want to sound all braggy, braggy, but I also didn't want to sound as generic as LuvBoo6_19. And it gets even more annoying when it's one of those sites where your profile is mostly based off clicking stuff in a drop down menu.

When it comes to writing profiles first think about what you like to do. Do you like writing? Listening to music? Reading? Okay writing about what? Reading what? Listening to what music? If it's a site that let's you put more information down, then do it. You don't need to list all 13 of the best books you've ever read (save that for a blog post on the site), but list one or two. Don't write things you think people will like, write what you will like. But try to think about things that can make you stand out. If you met President Obama last year,  find some way to mention it in the "cool things about me section."

So what if you do consider yourself a boring person? Well please don't write it in your profile! For that matter, don't refer to yourself as lazy, stupid, silly, crazy, or anything else negative unless you have a certain snark and confidence that can get people's attention and see it's probably a joke. Yes I think you should be true to yourself in your profile, and if you think you're lazy and boring, then you think you're lazy and boring. But the person who's looking at your profile may not have that impression of you just yet. Better yet they might not even think these things about you at all. So why put ideas in people's heads?

Understand how your limitations...limit you. 
So you're only looking to date a Chinese guy from Beijing that's fluent in Mandarin, Cantonese, Taiwanese, Korean, and English, with light brown hair, 6'2", 25-years-old, with a PhD., a job, a car, no kids, a nice house, great in bed, lives about three miles from you, and feeds the homeless in his spare time. Well good luck with that. Now I'm not saying this guy doesn't exist, but the odds of finding a non-Catfish version of this dude on a dating site is probably slim. Yes, yes, yes I'm well aware of people having their preferences and standards, but if you're searching profiles and coming up blank then you're probably asking for too much shit. Expand your mind a bit. Maybe add a few extra miles to the distances profile. Add a year or two to the age bracket.

Meeting People
Now let's move on to actually meeting people on these sites.

Dealing With Responses. 
If you think the profile is a pain then prepare yourself for the responses. The number of replies you get on a dating site can vary for a lot of reasons. Age, location, interests and yes even things like race and your profile picture can dictate the amount of responses coming your way. Plus the size of the site itself and whether or not people need to pay to reply can determine things as well. Brace yourself some replies from horny men, old men, married men, creepers, youngins, thugabee, assholes, you get the point. However not every man on a dating site is looking to hook up with someone or is a jerk. And some people do have a hard time talking even on the internet. It used to bug the shit outta me when I would get a message that just said, "hi, how are you?" But after thinking about it, I think some people just needed a bit of a push. When you get these kind of responses, give someone's profile a good look before you decide to respond. Is he someone you do feel like can be more open later on? Do you have anything in common? Basically is this person worth your time? If yes, shoot them an email back, maybe asking them a bit more details about some of the things they listed on their profile. But if you feel like you have to do all the work in the conversations, maybe this guy isn't right for you after all.

Remember, while is is polite to reply to each response you get, there isn't a rule that says you need to reply to everyone and certainly not within the hour or so. Sometimes getting a lot of responses can be overwhelming and if you have a busy life, then you probably won't be able to get back to people right away. And hopefully a guy who isn't interested will understand. Now some people are stickler for these things and will bother you with email after email until you reply. If someone starts to harass you, keep track of their messages and report this person ASAP. Helps get rid of one more loser on the site.

And now to the tough stuff: dealing with people you aren't interested in. If you look at a profile and feel like a person isn't a good match even though they sent you an email, you should let them know early on. Don't coyly send them mixed messages like, "when you're not might type but maybe we can work on it." Sorry but people are not going on dating sites just to make friends, I don't care what they say, LOL. Don't waste their time. You certainly wouldn't want someone to half ass things with you right?  But do it tactfully  Telling the guy,"Sorry, I'm only interested in a Chinese guys from Beijing who are fluent in Mandarin, Cantonese, Taiwanese, Korean, and English, has light brown hair, 6'2", 25-years-old, has a PhD., a job, a car, no kids, a nice house, great in bed, lives about three miles from me, and feeds the homeless in his spare time," isn't very tactful. Just say thank you for the email, but I don't think you're a right fit for me" or something. At this point, you should not be pressed to give more information about why you don't like them. Again if someone starts to get rude on you because you (politely) turn them down, report that mofo.

And another tough one: what if you don't get any responses? Again that could be for a lot of reasons. The things on your profile are just too generic, making it hard for you stand out in a group of women living in the same area as you, are the same age as you, have a similar job, etc. Or you're profile could be incomplete, missing info that makes it easy for people to find your profile. Or it's a site where your profile views get a boost by blogging or answering the daily questions, you may have to put work into it. Or's only been two days since you've joined and you're freaking out over nothing. I was on a few site for days before people took notice of me. Sometimes you just have to be a bit patient. If nothing bites after a month then you should consider giving your profile a few changes or leaving the site.

Taking the Lead
Perhaps you're a brave one and say fuck it, I don't want to wait for men to respond to me I'll do it myself. do I do that? Well of course the easiest way to start is to take a look at the profiles that are recommended to you by the site. Most online sites will have some sort of search function or "5 Guys With Similar Hobbies" list of something. Take advantage of it, making sure your preference can yield a decent list of people to talk to. Now you don't have to talk to everyone on the list, maybe start with 2-4 that you think are really interesting. Yes I did say 2-4 people as in more than one person as in it's fine to let multiple people know you're interested. It's just sending someone and email, not making commitments to anything. If you don't want to send emails at once, but you're still interested in multiple people, you can choose the one you're most interested in then save the rest for later. Some sites let you save searches or even profiles.

The best part about sending a message to someone versus speaking to someone in person is that you get to to think before you write and send a message. Now you shouldn't be writing 5000 word essays--especially for the first message--but put some thought into your message. I often joke to people about the very long email Shen sent to me. And at first I was a bit overwhelmed by it, but in the end I loved that he did that. And it was what he wrote that really got my attention. It wasn't just, "oh you like blah, blah blah? Me too!" He read my profile and commented on the things I wrote. That said to me that Shen had not only gotten past my goofy pictures to reading my profile. And putting time and effort into responding. If a person's profile mentions that their favorite movie is The Avengers, and it's a movie you've seen and like, comment on it. Let them know some of your favorite scenes or mentioned that you also like reading the comics or something like that. Of course be TRUTHFUL! If you haven't READ the comics don't say you have.

Now let's discuss the opening and closing. Telling some guy you're already in love with him is probably NOT a good idea unless it's CLEAR you are JOKING, LOL. Just a "hey I saw your profile and would be interested in talking" is fine. And ending with, "looking forward to a response" at the end is fine too. Don't give them deadlines for when they should respond, don't say you'll kill them if they don't respond, none of that shit. Again if you are a snarky person who actually does say these type of things humorously  them make sure the humor IS being conveyed in the messages.

The Waiting Game and Rejection
So you put a lot of time writing emails to three guys and hours later there is not response. Don't get all crazy on people yet. Again not everyone is checking their profiles every five minutes, and in some cases, people are interested, but really are trying to find the best ways to respond. Give people time. If you're waiting more than few days and not getting anything, then let it go. No need to set up a voodoo doll. Don't waste anymore time waiting on someone to get back to you.

When He Does Contact You
You get a response be it through someone contacting you or you contacting them. And you're super excited because he's one of the guy's on your favorites list. First, breathe! It's great to be excited, but don't start planning a wedding just yet. Hell I'd even say hold off before adding him as a Facebook friend. Now it's time to see how much you're really interested in him and the other way around. So he just sent you a reply but what's in the reply? How fast did he reply? Is he just commenting on how attractive you are but not anything else? Is his reply short ("hi, you seem cool. Chaz.)?" Is his reply an equivalent to what you've written? Is he asking you questions about yourself and expecting you to reply back? These kind of these will tell you what his interest level is. A guy who just writes "thanks for the message" back after you've written three paragraphs to him probably isn't interested. If he's asking for you to send him picture of your boobs, he's probably just looking to bang you. And pay attention to the way he writes. Is he snarky? Is he long-winded? Does his shit even make sense? See if these are things that you are attracted to.

To Cam or Not Webcam?
Now I can't say when you should decided to move on from just emails and IMs, that's totally up to you. If you feel comfortable enough to talk to someone after just a day of emails, then by all means go a little further. If you want to wait a little while longer, that's on you. However it should be clear between the two of you when you decide to move on. Don't pressure someone to talk to you over the phone or through webcam right away. Likewise let that person know if you're not quite comfortable with going beyond emails yet. Just make sure it's a mutual agreement.

Now I will say that no matter how long it takes you to decide to meet, I do strongly suggest that you decide to talk on the phone or through webcam first. And I feel this way for a few reasons. The more obvious reason is to make sure you are talking to the right person. If the person through webcam is not the person in the pictures, you've been pre-Catfished! Another reason is I think you can get also get a better sense of if you have a connection to this person.

Pretty much everyone nowadays have a webcam. Most laptops and tablets have them already installed and actually buying a webcam is about $30. If you don't have a Skype account, sites like AOL webchat will let you chat for free. My friends and I actually use this site a lot. Plus you don't need an account to use it. Google Plus also has a webchat function. If you decide to go the webcam route, you don't have to load up on makeup, but make sure you're pretty. In that case, it just means make sure you're wearing clothes, LOL. Know your angles. If you don't want the guy to get an accident look at your ta-tas, position the cam so that it's focused just on your face.

When it comes to the conversation, have a few ideas in mind about things you already want to discuss. Webcam conversations can sometimes be even more awkward than talking in person or even the phone because you're stuck pretty much in on place, lighting is terrible, and sometimes you have to repeat things over and over. If things get too awkward, try to find some funny or crazy weblinks the two of you can share and discuss.

If you don't want things to get to a sexual nature, shut down that part of the conversation immediately. Now don't make it the very first thing you say though. If the guy really isn't interested in watching you do nasty things, he might be turned off that you assume he does. But if he starts asking to see "more of you" and you don't want him too, pointedly let him know. If he still persists in this, then cut that fool off, he's not for you.

If a conversation is going from 30 min. to a few hours than sounds like the two of you are off to a great start. If you all are quiet after say...10 minutes...well things might not be as bad as they seem. Again, some people aren't that comfortable with using a webcam or the phone. You've at least heard a voice and saw a face and if you're okay with just that you can suggest going back to emails or IM. If you sense the other person is uncomfortable you can compliment them on using on. Hey you can even let them know of your nervousness so the other person knows they aren't alone. But if things feel too uncomfortable for you, then it's best to end the conversation.

For the most part, phone conversations aren't all that different from using the webcam in terms of how the conversations go, just not staring at each other in the face.

Avoiding Catfish
I mentioned this word before, but I didn't give a full explanation about it. The term "catfish" comes from a film about a man who falls in love with a woman he met online, only to find out she didn't exist. And currently on MTV there's Catfish: The TV Show and it features the original makers of the film helping people meet their online loves. Despite numerous red flags, people would still fall for others site unseen. And in most cases it turns out people were lying about who they were.

Paging Dr. Nerdlove just wrote a thorough article on this that I think folks should check out: Don't Get Catfished. But hear's a brief overview for ways to avoid being a Catfishee.

Do Your Research
Investigate to make sure the person is who they say they are. An online dating profile or a Facebook page can be easily faked. Look for clues to give you an idea of who this person is.

The first thing you can do is Google them. During the conversations through mail, it's a good idea to get a first and last name (because you can also give this info to the friends and family before you meet). A web search will probably give you some really great information...or some really terrible info. But info is info. For that matter Google yourself, LOL. You'd be amazed at what information you find out about yourself online--like someone have the exact first and last name as you and an arrest record. >_< But you might run also run into their Facebook or MySpace (yes some people still have MySpace) or other online accounts they have.

Next, pay attention to the pictures. For the most part people don't use professional pictures for online profile, so if a picture is too clean (like a person standing in front of an image of Tokyo but there are NO SHADOWS anywhere) the picture might be suspicious. If the profile has this picture:

That dude is a lying mutha fucka. But what if you don't instantly recognize the picture? I'm totally stealing this from the Catfish show: use the Google Image search function. Take the photo from the profile and put it on your desktop. Go to Google Image and drag the photo onto the webpage. If the image exists anywhere else on the internet, then it will appear in the search results. In fact try it with the picture I just posted and see what comes up.

Another clue might be that this person claims to be really interested in you but is really hesitant about meeting in person or even chatting through webcam or over the phone. Now I would cut some slack if you're dealing with someone living in another country, but again, if someone has a strong interest in you they are going put effort into seeing you in a physical sense. If you're getting excuse after excuse about why that person can only talk to you through IM that fool is married with kids and a dog, LOL.

Falling in "Online" Love
When I was 16, I fell in "online" love with a guy I met in an AOL chatroom. I don't even remember what room it was. We would chat on the phone and tell each other we loved each other. This was after a week of AOL chat and we never met in person.

I was a fucking idiot. Sadly that wasn't the only time I did something like this, LOL. It's okay to laugh at my I know better know.

Be careful of "online" love. And what I mean by that is falling for someone you really haven't met in person. Now there are real cases of people never meeting face-to-face, falling in love, and later getting married. But those type of relationships are not all that common. And trust me it's not just something silly teenagers do, there are plenty of adults taking into a romantic relationship with someone they only know by IM.

Now you may be thinking that will never happen to you, but you'd be amazed at just how fast and easy it is for this to happen. This guy is saying the right things to you, he looks cute in his pictures  his voice is soothing over the phone, and he's laughing at your jokes. Are you sure what you really feel is love though? Do you feel like you know enough about him just based off a few emails and maybe 1 or 2 phone calls.  I strongly suggest meeting in person before handing out the wedding invitations to people. Because you can learn about a person when they're in you're face, things they'll just show you rather than tell you. Like body language. Hell, body odor. Basically you when someone is standing right next to you, the chemistry between the two of you is probably a better indication that some is right for you rather than just a sweet email.

Meeting in Person
So the two of you finally decide to meet in person. Here are a few obvious tips. First of course is to let people know where you're going. I know some people are still embarrassed at the idea of meeting people online, but ignore the ridiculing from your friends and family and let them know who you're meeting, where you're meeting, when you're leaving and when you'll be back.

Make sure you meet in a public place. Museums, libraries, Starbucks, bowling alleys, malls, a public park or garden, there are lots of place you can meet. I generally suggest a place that's not too close to your house, and if they ask where you still, I'd say vague on this. They don't need to know whereabouts you live or hangout. If you do meet at a place that you go to often, you don't need to tell them when you'll be at places if you don't want them to know that information.

And what happens if turns out that the person you've been talking to online isn't...the person you've been talking to online? Maybe he's not as tall or as thin as he said he was. What do you do? Well I'll leave that up to you. You can confront from about it. After all this guy lied about his looks, what else has he been lying about? Or you can go on the date. Despite his appearance, maybe he is the same guy personality wise, but just had an insecurity to work out. Honestly I don't think there's an easy decision in this case. It really depends on your own feelings at the time.

When It's Long Distance
Sometimes people do find someone they're interested in and that person isn't exactly living down the street. You've spent a fair amount of time chatting on the phone, on a webcam, through IM. And now you really want to meet this person you think you have a great connection with so far. Of course the distance makes things difficult. Make sure this person is worth pursuing  meaning you are willing to go through more hoops to get to him. And make sure he feels the same way. Next mutually that you do want to meet and choose a time. Spring? Summer? Now the biggie, who goes to see who? If he offers to come see you and you're okay with that, go with it. But put effort into doing the same, it shouldn't just be on one person to do all the work. If you're not comfortable with him staying with you, that's is perfectly okay. In fact I would say hold off on that until you can get to know him better. And I say this applies to you too if you decide to take the trip first. Groupon yourself a hotel room! Remember this may be the normal dating method for the two of you for a while so the two of you will have to work to keep it going until one of you feels sure enough about the romance to make a move.

And Then...Have a Great Date!
Meh, I don't have too much to say here. you're finally meeting this person. It's pretty much a standard first date after that. You go out, do something and have fun. Check the chemistry between the two of you. Do you still feel good about this guy? How is he responding to you? Is he really dating material? If he is, than congrats you've got yourself a relationship that came from a dating site!

But not everyone you meet online will work out. Things can be great through IMs, but not so great in person. it just happens sometimes. Like I said, I have my fair share of crappy dates through online dating, but things have turned out okay for me so far. Keep that profile open and repeat. Or try another site. Or go to a happy hour. All depends on you.

Alright all done! Next time I'll get into the non-traditional sites. Hoping to get that one up sometime next week depending on how much art I've gotta get done.

Good luck and happy online dating!


  1. Recently, I've met a hot and nice Latino (Cuban) man at a neighborhood park.He was there to watch his little cuz baseball practice and I ,to let my nephs skateboard. I've been talking to this guy for a couple of months now. I admit, when I first looked at this guy, I didn't have favorable thoughts about him.He reminded of a cross between Ricky Martin/The guy on the M&M commercial.. a pretty boy. You have to forgive me, but I'm weary of pretty boys.The last one I got just thought he was gods gift to all women kind,but as I got to know him, the pretty boy pessimism slowly wore. As a matter of fact, he seems unbelievably modest. I'm just crushing on him and while I'm not going to imply anything or ask for a date from he seems to give subtle hints about dating..maybe me. I think about that possibly of dating this man.. if it comes to that. I'm more comfortable doing it in person,but each to it's own.

    About some time ago, I watched a "Skypedate" that featured an Asian guy/Black girl on it.If I had to go online for dates, I would rather..not necessarily skypedating on it, but giving that guy a chance to know who I am and vice versa and to me, you may not be physically in front of their face getting acquainted with them, but its the closest thing to it.Though nothing is guaranteed, the thing I fear about traditional online dating is that people can hype themselves up and don't be about anything. They'll make you think they have the look of Rain, when they are looking like the CEO of JYP or making themselves seem like they have money when you discover that they don't have a pot to piss in.I actually seened this with a neighbors profile.It was completely false, but I didn't let him know, I knew the truth about

    1. Oops...typo in the first paragraph. Meant to say "Slowly wore off"

  2. The problem with online dating, is people are usually playing Lotto with people.

    He needs to be rich, 6'3, perfect hair, looks like a model or movie star, all muscles and only 5% body fat, perfect teeth, etc...

    No sex, only TRUE love and marriage. If we meet, I expect your to propose marriage on the 1st date and bring lots of cash.

    Meanwhile, the woman asking for all this crap, works at McDonalds or looks like a cabbage patch doll. Many women are stuck in a Cinderella fantasy world and she is offering nearly nothing, except her body or just her presence. Like the guy should be happy with her mere presence and offer her a bank in return.

    And many women fall in love with the guy's PICTURE, not the guy. They shift through a bunch of picture, then "Oh, he is so hot." Then they are obsessed and in "love" with the guy.

  3. LMFAO!!! Yo Anonymous I was thinking the exact same things haha but regardless of that not everyone is like that hey