The Internet, Thirsty Women, and Double Standards

25.3.13 ShaSha LaPerf 11 Comments

Hmm...this posted turned out to be much more complex that I'd planned. It's something I wanted to write about, but had trouble really spitting out. So over the past few years we've had avenues like Tumblr, Instagram, YouTube and even Blogger here which let's us talk about whatever the heck we want. And this has also given a rise to media related to AM/BW relationships. And indeed this area is heavily dominated by women often proclaiming just how much they love the Asian Menseseses. While many people see this as a good things, others have had a rather negative reaction to it as well.

Well guess what, anyone expecting me to rant about these women is probably going to be disappointed because this post isn't really about that. Rather, I did want to take a look at both sides as well as point out the thing that bugs me the most when it comes to all this. But since the general topic here is about desperate women I've added gifs of Kenya Moore because I watch too much Real Housewives of Atlanta because she was a true (well maybe fake) example of the most desperate woman I'd seen recently.

Classifying a Desperate Woman

From RealtyTVGIFs

Now this isn't really a new thing. Calling women out for being "too desperate" or "thirsty" has been around since the AM/BW groups on AsianAvenue. Does anyone still use that site? Anyway, with the increase in avenues for Black women and Asian men to connect so this behavior has probably increased as well. So I spent some time thinking about what I'd seen over the past few years and thought about how people reacted to it. So here's a collection of the type of behavior that will most likely get you called "thirsty" or "desperate" or whatever lovely term folks want to use:

  • Asking Asian men to Approach You/Talking About Why You Like Asian men
  • Announcing to people online or offline that your single and looking to meet Asian men/Talking About How Much You Want to Date an Asian Guy
  • Posting pictures of hot Asian men on a net
  • Wanting an Asian male celebrity to marry you or getting upset when they date/marry
  • Commenting or say hello to any guy that posts on a forum or FB page
  • Posting a sexy picture of yourself on forums that are related to AM/BW sites
  • Wearing an "I Love Asian Boys!" Shirt
These were the most prevalent, though I'm sure there's more.

And We Hate This Shit...

From RealtyTVGIFs
Seems like for every blog post or video from a Black women proclaiming her love for Asian men, there's a video telling her ass to take a drink of water because her thirst is showing. Okay, I know that was lame, having trouble thinking of witty things to say right now, LOL.

But why do people have these reactions? Well I have a few theories. Picture yourself as one of two kids in a classroom. And that other black kid talks loudly, doesn't do their homework, and is a general mess. You don't know this kid, and you know that this kid doesn't represent you. But in your head, you're still saying, "get it together, you're ruining it for both of us!" I feel like this kind of attitude is somewhat the reason why we hate to see other women doing the most in our eyes. Because rationally we know that all black women aren't alike. But we're also well aware of how stereotypes can affect us, especially in the dating world. And some of us fear that Asian men will be turned off by these woman clamoring after them. And that's not an image we want associated with us right? Some of the men don't particularly like this behavior either and some of us women will secretly cheer on the men who tell these women to stop being so desperate. So we don't want to see this woman embarrassing herself, possibly because feel like she'll indirectly represent all of us. But that's assuming a lot, namely that we care way too much of what Asian men think of us.

Well let's try this one. We still live in a society where men are expected to do the work. They're the aggressors, not us. So a woman who's pretty open about what she wants and who see wants to date, might be seen as emasculating men. And who wants to see that happen right? Meh, it's probably not that deep either.

It's probably not about wanting to scare away the guys or wanting them to feel like bitches. Maybe some women just don't want to see any woman embarrassing themselves period. Maybe that girl is just posting to many damn messages about how she wants an Asian man or too many YouTube videos about how she wants #datass of (enter some K-pop star here). Seems like there's no one reason why women get crapped on for their blogs and vlogs.

But There Seems To Be a Double Standard...

LOL okay I needed to throw at least one Nene in here.
From RealtyTVGIFs
Now I haven't really talked about how I really feel about this kind of behavior, I'm going to come back to that. Because the thing that actually bothers me a bit more is that there seems to be a bit of a double standard here. Yes, I'm going to be that person. That person who points out that it's not just women who do these things. Yet it's really only the women who get flack for it and/or are openly called out for it. A guy posts a video where he goes on and on about how he wants to date a black woman, he gets a standing ovation. A guy wears an "I love Black Girls!" shirt gets panties tossed his way. It seems totally fine for a guy to constantly post on a forum about how he wants to date black women, but it's completely appalling for a woman to do the same. Now we could just say it's only those same desperate chicks that are checking for these guys, but given that these guys rarely reprimanded from anyone I don't think that's just the case.

So why the silence on the men? Not sure. Actually I think men get away with a lot more then they probably should but that's probably another blog post, LOL. I suppose because women do dominate media when it comes to AM/BW relationships, it's much easier to target them. Maybe the lack of men in conversation gives men a "pass"... after all a lot of women aren't sure of what Asian men are thinking, and here we have men openly reassuring them. It enforces the idea of men being the aggressors right?

Well I'm more in the "fuck that, call out everyone!" camp honestly. If we're going to get annoyed at women we think are doing a bit too much we should have a few words with the guys as well. Of course it's great to see me participating, but what kind of message does it send when it's just women who are getting crapped on?

But When Is This Behavior Really Problematic?

From RealtyTVGIFs
Now where is the line between sounding like you're a little to desperate and...not? Hmm...Honestly looking at that list again, I think people maybe jump the gun, and don't think a lot of that stuff is really a big deal. 

Asking Asian men to Approach You/Talking About Why You Like Asian men
I don't know if I'd say this is a "desperate" move, because even though I have seen a lot of YouTube videos about this, I really haven't seen a lot of women making videos solely about this. I do think a problem with these kinds of topics is that you can't really get away without generalizing one group or the other. Besides I'd say a much better way to spend your time is to go out and meet men instead of making videos about them. Less talking and more doing I say! ;)

Announcing to people online that you're single and looking to meet Asian men/Talking About How Much You Want to Date an Asian Guy
Haha I guess this is part of the "going out and meeting men?" For the most part, I actually don't think there's anything wrong with being open and going after what you want. Some people just like to cut to the chase. And I've really only seen this on message boards and/or blogs that are already related to AM/BW relationships. But basically you've taken the "Asian guy, you should talk to me" attitude from a blog to a group. Think about it this way: if all your posts and what not are about wanting to date an Asian men, what are we learning about you that gives anyone a reason to date you? No one really gets to know who you are outside of that chick that keeps talking about being single. Maybe spend more time just interacting and getting to know people first. :)

Posting pictures of hot Asian men on a net
Honestly if Blogger or Tumblr was around 15 years ago, I would've had a whole blog dedicated to Immature. Well I did have a Geocities page for Sailor Moon, but that was a pain to create compared to blog sites today. But I digress. So no I'm not mad at this, LOL. People like to make blogs about things they like, so more people to those that do. However, I do think it gets a little trickier when you're posting these things on message boards and groups though. Because the one time women don't seem to get mad at men on those sites is when the guys are posting pictures of half naked black women. So let's have the same courtesy for the guys and not overload those sites with pictures of half naked guys. Because that IS what your Blogger account or Tumblr is for. ;)

Wanting an Asian male celebrity to marry you or getting upset when they date/marry
Okay, I don't get the whole getting upset at celebrities that get married, I do think that's a little weird. But I never take anyone seriously who just says they want to marry a celebrity. But maybe because I had plans to marry Kawabata from CHEMISTRY. And before that Romeo from Immature, LOL. 

Commenting or say hello to any guy that posts on a forum or FB page
I really don't get why people get mad at this and I'm not mad at it either. I guess the argument is that the women will say "hi" to the men but not to the women. Frankly I've never replied to intro posts from either gender, and usually ignore them, so I didn't know this was a big deal until recently. But I also don't take FB all that seriously compared to others. #shrugs I really don't care enough about this to say if someone is a desperate move, but right now I don't think it is. 

Posting a sexy picture of yourself on forums that are related to AM/BW sites
In general I think posting sexy pics of yourself anywhere means you want attention. And if you think you're sexy why wouldn't you want others to think the same about you? But at some point if all your posts are related to your pictures, then maybe this is "thirsty for attention in general" and not just "thirsty for a man." 

Wearing an "I Love Asian Boys!" Shirt
Alright I have to say that I get these shirts are supposed to be a joke, but I can't help but be creeped out by them. A few years ago there was a similar shirt. And guess what kind of people actually wore them? Horny otaku and creepers. I think it's a bit hard to wear this kind shirt in a funny or ironic way. It does give a sense of othering or exoticizing people a bit. And I probably wouldn't want to date a guy wearing a shirt like this because I'd wonder if I was just his accessory or trophy to match his shirt. So sorry ladies, this one is an "out" for me. 

Phew, finally got all this out. I guess in the end, I'm somewhere in between both sides of the thirsty women battle that's been going on. It's why I waited so long to talk about it, because I couldn't figure out the best way for me to talk about it. Moore went up to a Filipino dude, told him he was hot, and basically asked him to have babies with her. As long as you're not doing shit like that, you're not that thirsty in my book, LOL. And on that note, I'm done. 


  1. Lol..I had mo idea that that Kenya was that bold. I really don't watch RHOA,but I remembered her days as Miss USA and after that. I thought that she was a regal woman. I guess I was wrong. lol! I cant see myself doing that for no man. I prefer if a man properly to initiate their interest in me.

    Im also just picturing myself going to ATL version of the Asian square with a " I love Asian Guys" Tee shirt. Slap me if I did. I could imagine how many people will laugh me out of town for doing that.

    I may not agree with the sometimes aggressive nature of how some of these women take to get Asian men to notice them, a little part of me do sympathize with them. In their minds, they don't see this as being a big deal and it's really not but it can make some of them look desperate without realizing it.

    They may do it because, in general, men of all races( including some our own ) cannot see us as women. They see the stereotypes. Some guys cannot see past that, embrace who we are and see us as unique individuals. I guess some of these girls want to be assured of what they think Asian men may like in women. Many moons ago , I was the same way,but I had a good friend who reminded me that if a man is going to like you, he's going to like you for you. To some people it may be a repetitive cliche,but it's the truth. If a man likes you, he's not going to give two cents of what kind of hair you have, what size you hair, your race, or skin color.He's going to like YOU! Ive encountered several men in my race and other races. Now that Im older, I want a quality man of any race. me.. means embracing ones differences, seeing them and treating them as they would want to be treated.

    I agree with you about the double standards. If a non Black man express his love of Black women( which to be honest, Im uncomfortable with any man doing that. If you have an interest in a Black woman it's ok. You don't have to broadcast your preference about a person. With all due respect, sometimes those same guys who do that be the very ones who aren't really into Black women as much as they say they are.May sound weird,but I actually seen a guy do this. The next thing I know, he was unsure of the race of women he liked. Im not going to dis him for his uncertainty ,but if I was one of those AMBW girls who praised on his words, I would be pissed.

    1. Great points! I think both there are a lot of black women and Asian men who pretty insecure and it's comforting to hear the groups proclaiming their love for the other. But they also fail to realize that just because someone likes black women and wants to meet and date them doesn't mean that they'll want to be with you. So we all have our preferences, but we have to get over them quickly if we really want a relationship.

      Kenya was a hot mess on the show. She was practically begging a man to marry her (though there are reports that their relationship had been fake anyway). Fake or not, I cringed when I saw the way she acted because I didn't want to see ANYONE act that way, especially since the guy didn't seem into her anyway. There's a fine line between going after what you want and groveling for attention.

  2. I totally get fake upset when I find out one of my celeb 'crushes' end up getting married or turn out to be gay. Besides, I feel like this is just a lady thing in general and not just for Asian celebrities. I know my mom and I were feeling the envy of that one fan that got to make out with Shemar Moore on Ellen. (COULD'VE BEEN ME). It is of course, when you take this all way too seriously and go out of you way to threaten these random women and way too intense about it.

    There is certainly a double standard about it when it comes to the internet. Not only that, we also seem to forget that a lot of these girls are teens for the most part. We forget that these girls get intense about EVERYTHING in life. How many girls also claim that that they want to marry Justin Bieber? Or the guys from One Direction? Or any thing that's popular right now. Can these get annoying? Yeeeeeeep. But hey, many of us go through this phase, whether it's online, in public, or just hiding in our bedrooms. Most people do tend to outgrow it though.

    The T-shirts are weird, not going to lie there. I feel like it's weird for any race. You can of course, like different races and ethnicities, etc. But I think it's the broadcasting that makes it uncomfortable. While people I'm sure are flattered and relieved that you're open to dating outside your ethnicity, they also hope it's not the only reason you're dating them.

    I am probably not the person to be talking about any of this though, just because I'm totally not in dating lane right now. I'm more into the "Let me hang with friends and lay around the house mode" right now.

    1. "I am probably not the person to be talking about any of this though, just because I'm totally not in dating lane right now. I'm more into the "Let me hang with friends and lay around the house mode" right now."

      LOL hey, that doesn't mean you can't have an opinion about this!

      I do think age plays a bit of a factor as I have noticed that the majority of the people doing these things are young. Which is why I do try to cut them some slack since I know I have those phases (but not on a racial level though). A lot of it really just seems to be naivety in inexperience with said group they want to date.

  3. I was glad when I saw this post, because this topic has been on my mind lately. I see that some Asian men get a thrill out of being able to crap on black women. Some black women will actually listen to these guys giving "advice" about dating Asian guys.... which basically consists of the guy saying cruel and hateful things about and to black women and bossing them around from his dias. Then they get a hallelujia chorus of yes-women who will all chime in agreeing that black women are too X, too Y, and not Z enough, and if only they would change then finally someone would love them.

    I am not interested in hearing the opinions of these random men on what they imagine I'm doing/not doing on the basis of my race and sex. I don't listen to random black, white, asian, hispanic or native men who are trying to deride black women. Life is too short to focus on someone who only wants to drag you down.

    I wish black women would STOP WATCHING the videos of these thugabee clowns who just want someone, somewhere, to sit still and listen to him like he's someone of import. He's a jerk with a video camera and internet access, nothing more. Stop fawning over these dudes, and please stop rushing to the forefront to co-sign someone who is deriding, criticizing and emphasizing the flaws of black women. Turn on BET if you want to see black women being treated like dog droppings. You don't need to go chasing random Asian men to hear that foolishness.

    1. Reminds me a bit of when Tyrese made a video last year (or maybe 2 years ago) telling black women about themselves as his way of "helping" them. Going about things this way always fails. But there's always someone who will back up their opinions as well which is the sad thing.

      It's funny that you specifically mentioned the thugabee types doing this stuff two because it's another double standard that's a whole other topic there. ;) Don't get started on a rant about that, LOL.

  4. You tool the qords out of my mouth. I I was watching a youtube video and this girl was talking about her first date with an Asian man and how shop she's was that the guy asked her out the highlight of a tall is at the whole essence of her conversation about her experimental date sounds like just that an experiment. And it bothered me because you should date a person because you're into them not because they're freaking Asian or black for that matter. But yet she got over maybe 300 hits and I know it's single black women who love Asian men that are looking at the video. Probably in hopes that 1 day the day will make a youtube video about dating Asian men. At the same time I think it's okay for both sexes to express the interest but no you don't have to post a half naked pictures of yourself in the group together like so much alike or the fantasy celebrity K Pop artists. When me and my boyfriend I decide to Megan and I said that we're together I got hit with questions of how did you meet him how do you need to Asian boyfriend I'm because we met in a group but it wasn't how I was a what I look like it was more of how I carry myself I'm guessing because I was opposite from a lot of the chick in the group. When I join the group I was married at the time so I just wanted to be a part of other people that's all I use the same way because my ex husband was in a meeting so like hey I have a group that I can be part of that understands me and will embrace my relationship.

    1. I don't have issues with people talking about their dates, but it's probably not a good idea to make it date itself sound like an experiment. :( If anything, I feel like that would give you a distorted view of dating. Hopefully if she talks about her dates again she doesn't have that "experiment" mentality.

  5. Hey, you forgot what I did. I moved to China!!!! That should be on the list somewhere.

  6. "Honestly if Blogger or Tumblr was around 15 years ago, I would've had a whole blog dedicated to Immature."

    LOL, I had an 'NSync site and a Craig David site. Now I'm too lazy to do all that but that doesn't stop me from liking photos of hot guys on Tumblr.

  7. This is an interesting topic whilst I agree that some white/black women can come across as desperate for an Asian men (especially when they say they want to move to Japan/Korea to meet an Asian man), I don't like how some innocent mention of attraction gets labelled as 'thirsty' or a 'fetish.
    Commenting on Asian men I find hot online & telling my friend I find Asian men attractive must make me thirsty then. I mean god forbid a non-Asian woman find Asian men attractive. It is funny that black/asian women who talk night & day about how they prefer white men & create appreciation topics for Tom Hiddleston don't get told they have a 'white man fetish'.