Dating Asian Guys 101: Online A-Lovin' and A-Datin' Part 2

29.4.13 ShaSha LaPerf 6 Comments


Previous articles:
Dating Asian Guys 101: Initial Contact
Dating Asian Guys 101: Dating Asian Men and Loving Asian Pop Culture
Dating Asian Guys 101: The Matters of Shyness
Dating Asian Guys 101: Run Girl Run! Guys to Avoid
Dating Asian Guys 101: Fears and Frustrations
Dating Asian Guys 101: Online A-Lovin' and A-Datin' Part 1


So this time I wanted to get into using online groups and forums as a form of online dating. I think are a few major differences when it comes to finding someone through a more open online area to something where you'd only interact with a few people at a time so that's why I kept these areas separate  Generally the point of a message board or online groups isn't really for dating, but people have met on these sites and things have turned out pretty well.

Honestly I think using a group or message board is more challenging when it comes to meeting people. As I mentioned above the point of the groups is to encourage interaction for people with common interests, they usually aren't for dating. So unless someone clearly says they are looking to meet someone, it's hard to determine who's open to dating and meeting someone.

Additionally, it can be difficult to determine who's who. Granted anyone can lie to you on an online dating site, but with a forum, people can use a cartoon character for their avatar. In most cases you can't a person gender, race, or ethnicity, unless it's something specific like a AM/XF site. Even then you can get Catfished-de-ded.

But hey, not everything about using groups and forums is bad. I've seen it happen on AM/XF groups, anime groups. Heck, people have met and married off XBox Live. Now this post isn't specifically related to AM/XF groups but groups and forums in general.



Figure Out Which Groups Is Best For You.
As I mentioned, compared to an online dating site, the purpose of these type of sites usually aren't for dating. There are groups that do exist for dating, so if you can, try to find those. Facebook and/or a Google search can get you started just using key words like "dating" or more specific like "interracial dating." But consider other groups as well. You should find one that relates to you interests. Because while you may not find the person you're looking for there, there might be other cool discussions and information on the site and it might still be fun to interact with people.

Before you decide to open yourself up to a group scroll through the topics and pay attention to what people write. Do the topics actually interest you? Is the site heavily moderated? Are there a lot of inappropriate images or topics? Better yet, how comfortable do you feel in this group? If you see a few topics that peak your interest, go ahead and start posting. But if you find yourself holding off on responding to anything because you're not sure or don't like what's going on there, then it's probably not the best site for you.


Participate.
Some groups have some may have a section where you can introduce yourself so feel free to do so. You probably don't have to put a ton of information there like the day you were conceived. Just introduce yourself,  maybe give an age or location (you might want to take a quick at some of the other messages to get an idea of what people write). And state your purpose for being a part of the board. If it's a gamer board, then let folks know what your fave game is. If it's an AM/XF group, it's probably fine to let folks know you like Asian men. LOL just don't go into a whole story of every dude you've wanted to bang though because that's too much info people really don't need to know in your intro.

Most Facebook groups may not have this type of thread, but I believe there is some sort of notification when a new person joins a group. So you can give a short intro there if you'd like.

If you want to skip the intro route all together, then do so. Just find some topics that you're interested in talking about and comment on them. You're probably not expected to reply to everything (though some forums may boot you if you don't comment every once in a while). So maybe this is more like online dating in the sense being active will get you noticed. Now there are people that do just look at profile members and talk to them directly (I'll get to this soon), but if it's a place with a bunch or profile, then you'll stand out a bit more by responding to what's going on.


Don't ask if Asian guys like Black girls or Any variation of this Question
Yes I needed to put this as large as I possibly could. Seriously, just don't. I don't care if it's a AM/XF board, anime board, gamer board, J-pop Facebook group...just don't do this shit. I don't think I need to say more here except Don't. Ask. This. Question.


Find People You're Interested In Meeting
So there are two main ways to find people in a group that you might be interested in talking to. The most obvious is talking to someone who actively participates in the group. Although they may not have formally introduced themselves, you get a sense of the type of person they are but what they reply to. And it's a good way to learn bits and pieces about people. Or you can take a more tedious route and go through the members section of the group, and click on profiles. But honestly you'll take a gamble with both situations.

With the first situation, this person may be well known in a group and has probably dated people for the group before, especially in AM/XF type groups. And this can be a good thing or a bad thing. On the one had, maybe this guy dated someone and they didn't have a connection. there's nothing wrong with him looking for someone else in a community he knows is open to to him. On the other hand, it might be a bit suspect if he's dated several people in the same group. Maybe he's just a thirsty man-hoe looking to expel some extra energy.

In situation number two, you have the issue of dead profiles. So you can go through profiles and send someone an email or message, only to find out this guy hasn't checked this site in months.

You can be bold and tell everyone you're looking to meet a man...and run the risk of being seen as a thirsty chick hoe looking to expel some extra energy. LOL well not all the time, some people don't like beating around the bush. so if you want to take this route, I'm not mad at you I guess. Some groups may have a section specifically for those looking for love. And this isn't a bad idea since it keeps things in one place and you do know who's looking to meet people. Again you'll have to keep in mind that with such a set-up, it can mean that people have dated other people from the same thread. But pay attention to when people have posted. If someone post like two years ago and is posting again later, I don't think that's really an issue.


Sending a Message and Receiving a Message
Meh, this isn't really that different from any other dating site. You find someone and decide to be brave and send them a little note. I suppose one difference is that because you may not be using a dating related group or forum, you may get more varied reactions to your message. Introduce yourself, and how you found that person--just mention the group name no need to mention that you look at a thousand profiles to get to that one. Ask if this person is interested in chatting and to send a message. Of course that's a very generic message, but again it's to someone you think may or may not still be in the group. If you are sending a message to someone who's more active, you can probably give a bit more info about yourself and/or mention of the topics that person was actively involved in.

Again, from this point it's not different from using a dating website. Chat, Skype, meet in person...that routine. So I'm not going to say much more here.


Keep a Look Out for Offline Activities
Some groups and forums like to organized meet-up for people in said groups. In most cases it's local, like someone lives in NY and wants to meet other people in NY. And from what I've seen the activities can vary from a group bowling party to just having dinner. If someone in the group announces a meet-up not too far from you and you seen a fair amount of people interested, I'd say check it out.


Be careful of What You Post After You Meet
So you meet this guy from a dance forum, the two of you hit it off, and soon find yourself in a relationship. If there's a topic related to dating, then it's probably fine to announce to people that the two of you are dating. But you should keep in mind from this point, when you talk about your relationship, everyone on the forum will know about you and your boo. So the two of you should probably decide on what is okay to discuss in said forum. That way, you're not pissed off if your guy is telling everyone in the forum you're banging every night.

If you don't hit it off with the guy, there's no reason to put him on blast. However if this guys shows signs of batshit craziness (like he starts harassing you, tried to physically attack you when you met, called you degrading names, etc.) then I think it's fine to let the moderators know that a person like this is in the group and may try to do something again (and maybe the cops if it really gets serious). But if you two meet, it didn't work out, and you see him chatting with another girl in the group, don't get into their business.

Well that's all I got. I would like to remind folks that just like using an online dating site, using a group or a forum should just be one way to meet people. Don't get too wrapped up in the drama you see, and don't just rely on sites to find someone. Still make sure to get your ass out to meet people. :)


6 comments:

  1. Though I'm not a person who likes online dating ,but if I I'd resort to it, I probably would do Skype. It may not be an 100 percent guarantee that he'll be the right guy for you,but at least you can get somewhat of an idea of what he looks like and get to conversate with him.

    I may also consider meetup groups.Ironically, I thought about attending a Japanese meetup group.. not for dating, but just to talk, enjoy ourselves and discuss Japan and their news, but if I just so happen to meet a Japanese man or some other guy that tickles my fancy, that's all good.

    I concur with your advice about not asking an Asian man if they like(race) girls. I'm not going to lie, it may be on the back of our minds, but it will remain there and you just never know what people really like about other people. Sometimes, I've seen videos where the girl..in one case...asked two Japanese guys if they like Black girls. Maybe they do, idk..but we're they sincere? I mean,they're on YT .Millions of people are seeing them. For all the girl know, they could have said it because they didn't want to look like racists.

    Though I have yet to date an Asian... or any race of man for that matter... I could have had my chance to date an 3 Asian men: A Filipino and two South Indians. Though he's not Asian, I may have a chance to date a Cuban hottie.He's pretty tempting, but my dating button hasn't kicked in. I have no problem attracting Latino men. One Latino guy thought that I didn't want to be bothered with him because of his race. Nope, not the reason at all.There have been a lot a Black guys that have asked me out and turned down. I guess I haven't dated because I like being unattached. If the good lord wants me to have a spouse he will let me know.

    Honestly, far as the Indian guys, it did take me for a jolt. I didn't think that one would even look my way although some of flesh and blood are this and I just thought they were into Indian or the most.. White women.One of them was a baby compared to me. I'm 10 years older than he was. Look..I'm not a cougar. I have siblings his age. It just wouldn't look right. Far as the Filipino guy? I've heard that they were more open to dating/marrying out their race more than other race of Asians, though I was still somewhat surprised that he wanted to date me.Not one did I approach these guys for dates, they came to me and I prefer it to be that way .

    Let nature take its course and keep an open mind.Mr. Right can be in their face without them knowing it.

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    1. *Typo* in paragraph 5 next to the last line .I intended to say "once" not "one"

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    2. Although I'm engaged now, I really didn't dislike being single either. I have some friends who were in the "I need to be with someone or I'll die" mode, but I honestly just liked dating different men. There were other men that wanted to get seriously with me, but at those times, I just was not in a relationships mode. And likewise there were guys I definitely was interested in but they didn't feel the same way. The majority of my friends are already married and are starting to pop out those babies now, so I guess I'm late in the game compared to them. But But I don't regret things because I did have fun, and learned a lot about men, dating, and myself as a result. And when Shen came along, I had a feeling he was the one for me.


      As for black girls and the "Do you like black girls question", I totally get that it is something we think about (and for that matter I'm guess some Asian men feel the same way). But outright asking always put people in an awkward spot. And I feel like the answer you get will be a) loaded with a bunch of generalizing of why black women may or may not be awesome; or b) someone else asking you why are you; or c) you'll bug said person who answered to give more explanations of things which can lead to even more awkwardness. In the end, the question shouldn't be "Do you like black girls" but "Do you like ME?" But I know it's a hard thing to break. It was a default question for me for years and honestly didn't think about it until a guy asked me why I liked Asian guys and I felt annoyed when he asked, LOL.

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  2. I like to read your blog, I am in a relationship with Mr L if I can call it like this with a Canadian Taiwanese; more Chinese culture lol, I am mixed Afro European girl; 50%-50% culture lol , we lived in Toronto.
    I broke up my engagement with my 4 years 100% Caucasian fiance because I was not really able to project myself as the mom of his children, I guess I should have tried, then I ran off from Europe to Canada.
    I start a new life even if my ex stays still really virtually present and chases me.
    Then I met online this friend Mr L, I was just looking to socialize and meet up. He was in a blurry period after breaking with his ex, down because his past love was getting married the weekend after and he did not like anymore his work because he is an Artist and as matter of fact contractor. He was looking just to talk with someone else than his family, free without judgments. So I.
    Time after time after months and feeling much more better every week, he started to say he would like to see my smile and hug me but he feels afraid to be disappoint and expect something that could never happened.
    We stood behind the screen, then I decide to quit the website when I met more people and felt fed up of online meetup. But I left him my personal e-mail. Surprisingly after telling me that he is not ready to jump anytime soon in a relationship, he wrote me back again and again and left me his mobile phone number, sending me pics of him, of his arts and his works, his travels, wishing me good morning good nights sharing musics and our cultures, looking for advice, saying he missed me, he laughed a lot thanking me for that, repeating he cared for me and thanks this miracle which brought up to meet up and feared my sweetness, he opened up about his family ( wanting him to marry a Chinese or Taiwanese, or questioning him being single or messing with his life being a composer),he talked about his past mistakes saddening his mom, how he lost the 1st woman he really loved and somehow keep loving even if she is married, the fact he looks for love, the mother of his baseball team children ...
    With fears he proposed to me to go for a walk when the weather will be fine, then we met, met and met. The 2nd day he hugged me good bye he kissed me on the neck and I felt it. But he never quotes Date, or anything. I finally did making a joke about Friends with benefices and defining us ad Friends only from now, he was mad and said ''and what does that suppose to mean? why are you running away now and what are you scared of? you've been calling me the one with shield but from how I see it you are the one with the guard. why is it so important to define what we are? strictly friendship when you know there is something beyond that? ''

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  3. Last month his granny '' 1st love in his life'' was sick he decided to go back to his motherland suddenly for a month and had to cancel our weekend. Then I opened up and asked him if we can see each other tomorrow night before his flight at 7am and he came but did not go back early as scheduled, he kissed and cuddled me all nights and said he knew he was addicted to me and is afraid then I stopped any sex intentions. When he left early in the morning he told me I broke his shield and that he is falling deeply and whatever happens behind him, he beg me to not go back to my ex or have ay sex intentions with.
    He texted me before turning off his mobile in the flight. When he land-off he wrote me that he is sorry he won't write me down often, what are we? 'I have no intention to define it. words are meaningless to me when I know the fact that we are happy together and we care for each other. when you fall I'll be there to catch you. your secrets are safe and sound with me. but if you are ever going to run away please don't say anything, just go and never turn your head around, for you and I came from 2 'galaxies and it is a given miracle that we have each other! so lets just enjoy and embrace the present''
    He wrote me almost every day even when his granny passed away in the mountains, excepted the last week, I guess when he told me his cousin said he was a lonely person and seems to enjoy, I kindly scolded him, and he spent the last week in silence. But when he came back and first when landing he texted me, the day after again and again but since a week I did not answered back. I texted him a hi, the day after at 4am he wrote me happy bday then I surrendered on him at least as a friend.
    2 days after his return he felt sick, call in sick at work and fears that he might be fired and had some family trouble back from Taiwan then invite me out for seeing me, to offer the gift he brought for me and suddenly cancelled all and wrote me and texted me ''im sorry there is a lot going on with my life now i need some time to sort things out!''. Just 4 days after coning back
    I just said I am away and wished him the best in this time of reconstruction and if he needs a friend to listen to him I am here. I dont know what he understood but somehow I want to run away, but may be he just really needs time for his troublesome current state...
    I am lost but I guess I like him and he knows but...we were 2 friends fighting together, he said '' I know we will be great together and keep this friendship connection'' I was the one afraid for each others. But why can he confides in me? or he is running away, I guess
    To protect myself, I believe that it is the end and obey his desire to have some time. I am going my way, erase all textos and pics he sent me. If he reappears I don't even know how I will be...We are the same, hard to trust people nevertheless in this kind of emotional relationship
    Sorry for the long story...

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  4. He Anon,

    I had a long reply yesterday that was eaten up by my computer. >:(

    That's quite a story! Initially I was getting a sense of rebound on both the part of you and Mr. L, but I don't know the full time span here. Either way it sounds like Mr. L wasn't a right match for you and that's okay. It sounds like it's probably better that the two of you stay out of touch for a while. This guy seems to have a lot of issues he needs to sort out, namely getting over his past relationship, and spending time to mourn the loss of his grandmother. He could have been emotional vulnerable at those two times with prompted his reactions towards you. He also may really be into you, but is conflicted with trust issues and maybe jealousy over things, and isn't really sure of how to handle it. He needs to work out these things first.

    At the same time, I'll have to say be careful with the contact you have with your ex-fiance. I don't know enough about him to make any claims, but if you have a relationship with him that is the two of you constantly in touch, it can also hurt your own chances of moving on and finding a new mate. There isn't really anything wrong with still having a connection with your ex, but it probably shouldn't be an everyday thing and whatnot. Because that can make a new person have of sorts of unhappy feels. So I would suggest spending some time to consider the feelings you have for you ex as well.

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