The Nastier Side of the Interracial Dating World and AM/BW Couples

5.6.13 ShaSha LaPerf 23 Comments

Woohoo I'm back! Still really busy trying to tackle wedding stuff, but I needed to get this out. I was actually going to write about Fast and Furious 6, but a podcast I recently listened to inspired to write this. This was a tricky topic for me to write about since I had so many things spinning in my mind.

So the topic of the podcast was interracial dating. This was actually the second time the topic had been discussed. IR relationships are always a hot topic, so of course the debate was pretty strong the first time. Not in a good or bad way, more like there were so many voices that their needed to be a second part to try to get to them all.


Obviously me being half of an IR couple, I was interested in hearing this. The first time around the conversation focused mostly on dating white men, so I was hoping their would be a discussion of dating Asians, Latinos, etc. in the second half. Unfortunately the conversation still focused on White men. There was a guest panelist who's written a book for about dating White men, who made some rather unnecessary comments about IR dating. Some of her more side-eye worthy comments including calling women who didn't agree with her arguments for dating White men "angry black women" or "racists." She had a few gems about dating Black men, including calling one of her exes "a girl." I was about 80% done with her after hearing her say these things, but hit the full 100% after she got on the very brief subject of Asian men and sex. She didn't hesitate to make a comment about Asian men having small dicks. I wasn't the only one bothered by this; it didn't over well with a lot of people. Now I have to say that this attitude was not coming from one of the panelist; unfortunately there was little dissection of the comments though. Either way, I was still annoyed and it really reminded me of the issues I sometimes have with when it comes to the general world of interracial dating.

You see, some of the most judgmental people I've come across when it came to IR relationships were...people in IR relationships. Yep, the same people who hate to be judged for their dating choices, and who want to promote the idea of interracial dating can also have some very closed-minded ideas about other types of IR couples. Here's a short look at two of the more obvious and annoying issues I've encountered.

Problem #1: Promoting IR Relationships...And Only Focusing On White People
I actually touched on this when I wrote a blog post about stuff people who support IR couples do and say, but I feel like I need to say it again. Yes, I get it. I am fully aware that compared to Asian/Black couples, Black/White couples are all over the place. I know we are the "unicorns," the super rare combination that hardly ever ever ever see the light of day blah blah blah. But still put some effort into remembering that not everyone has eyes just for White men. I stopped reading some interracial websites because of the lack of...interracial couples. Too many people insist they are experts on interracial dating, yet they rarely will give focus to those that are dating other men. See, I make myself pretty clear. My site is about relationships with Asian men. I don't talk too much about dating White men or Black men or many others because that is not the purpose of my site. I don't call myself an IR dating expert, shoot I'm not even an Asian men dating expert. I am a roller coaster expert, LOL. Back on topic. Sure I have dated other men, but there are plenty of sites that specifically talk about dating White men or dating Latinos. And you know what? A site that calls itself "Hot Black Chicks Who Date Hot White Guys" is fine with me because at least they are clear on what their focus is. But if you name your site "Hot Black Chick Doing IR Dating" I'm expecting to see more than just White men plastered on your page. Make sure your podcast or TV show or YouTube video about interracial dating has a panel of women that have a diverse interest in men. Seriously there are plenty of women bloggers out there dating, married, and having kids with non-White men out there that can give insight.


Problem #2: Finding Ways to Put Down Men That Are Not White
As previously mentioned there are some IR sites I stopped reading because of the lack of their focus on relationships that didn't involve White people. Well another reason why I didn't care too much for them was because the few times they did discuss dating Asians, it was always negative. It almost felt likes sites just needed to justify why White men were a better pick. "See, just a look at how Asians on want to date light skinned people! His mother will hate you! You won't be able to speak his language!" The guest panelist spent about two seconds talking about Asian men. Like I said, Her book was supposed to be about dating White men, so I wasn't totally expecting this particularly panelist to go into full detail about every Asian guy she may have dated. My issue was that in the time she talked about Asian men, one second was spent on why it never worked with Asian men, and the other second was making fun of Asian dicks. Meanwhile, White men were oh so awesome, oh so open-minded in bed, you get the idea. Now I know there are some great White guys out there. And if you meet a great White guy and fall i love with him, more power to you, everyone has the right to be happy. However there is no need to put down other groups of men at the same time. I've encountered women who have relationships with White men and if the topic of Shen's ethnicity comes up, they are quick to tell me about all the bad times they had with Asian men. Or they are quick to jump to assumptions about him because he's Asian. "Does he speak English?" "How is he in bed?" Or they give me the "Why Asians!?" Yes the same people who hate getting crapped on for their own dating choices are quick to have that nasty attitude towards others. And it's not just the ladies by the way, I've gotten the same reaction from some White guys as well. I remember a time or two while living in Japan that I would tell White men that I was dating Japanese and non-Japanese men, and these men were very quick to tell me about had bad Japanese guys are and how awesome they were. Sorry, I'm not interested in dating anyone that feels the need to put down an entire race of people. Interracial dating shouldn't involve putting down one group of people and boosting another. 

Whew felt good to get that off my chest. I applaud the podcasters for deciding to take on the topic because as much as we'd like to think IR relationships aren't a thing we still have a ways to go before it's not a thing. I think they did a good job with handling a lot of the comments, and I also don't think they were completely prepared for what the guest panelist had to say. And I don't even hate the panelist either, I just wished she hadn't used that platform to make comments that she might have thought were just controversial, but really just came off as rude and smug. I'm hoping that if the podcasters talk about the topic again, they seek out a variety of speakers to talk about not just dating White men but non-White men as well.

23 comments:

  1. Some of her more side-eye worthy comments including calling women who didn't agree with her arguments for dating White men "angry black women" or "racists."

    Girl what? And I guess her book makes her an expert on the subject. To that I say writing a book no more makes you an expert than sitting in a garage makes you a car. Fuck outta here.

    Love your blog! Congratulations!

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    1. Thanks!

      I was expecting the author to somewhat insightful but it in the end I couldn't decide if she was really sipping the kool-aid or if she was just trying to get a reaction. I decided not to put her name and book name down her because I didn't want to promote her behavior.

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    2. I read the book and the author just wanted attention. Even if it's negative.

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  2. Thank you for nailing every reason why I flipped most IR blogs/sites the bird a long time ago.

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    1. LOL yeah my bookmarked pages has gone down in numbers over the past year or so.

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  3. Oh god! I know what you mean.

    Judging by the blog you're referring, it seems like it's the same one I've read,but if it's not? the blog I m talking about is no better than the one you're discussing.

    I mean, I was looking at the title of the blog about being an IR/AMBW communities and how they want to open the world to having more open minds,but her title and the words that she said hardly fits the profile. Sometimes, she she has her good points but at least 85 percent of the time, she and some of her followers can be downright racist and disgusting. The impression that I got from there is to run, hide and put down people..seriously! Oh..and don't tell her that she's wrong. She is soo delusuional to the point that stereotyping people,places and/or things are the " truth". I really don't see the difference with the language in her blog and one that a member of White supremacist may write on theirs. At least you know they aren't about love of others.

    As a Black woman, I find it incredibly embarrassing for Black people to down a member of their community like that. Ok, so you go with a member of another race. Be happy. But it's so godawful when people have to big themselves up by doing that. I ve read on some of those blogs where Black women( in this case) have been wronged by Black men. Ok, they have been hurt by a member of their own race. Im not going to pretend like the pain don't hurt,but you cannot blame one or more experience on a whole race of men. My dad wronged my mom and siblings and some other Black people have wronged me,but again, I can't blame the whole race on what they did.

    I got hurt,but I got over and moved with with my life with a new vision and a more open mind. I had a family friend( well actually my sister's BF) who got hurt by Black men and two other races of men. Her Latino hubby hurt her so what did she do? She sure didn't get a blog and bash Black and other races of men. After her divorce, she dated another much younger Black man.Currently, she's unattached.

    Like Leo, that is why I read very few of these sites. Unfortunately, there are very few that are worth reading. When a person creates a mixed race blog , the purpose of them should be about telling people about you, your love, celebrating other people's love and making life better for you, your spouse and other communities. I think that it is the most repulsive and crazy thing when you have IR blogs telling people about their love with White men ,but shouldn't love Black or other races of men. Love is love no matter who they are with.

    I would never EVER put down my people no matter how bad I may have it with them. A strong Black woman wouldn't mouth off that kind of trash like that. In case she has kids, I feel really bad for them. Whether people want to believe it no matter how they say it, they are still downing themselves. How would they feel if their biracial kids tell them " Mom, I don't date Black men because you said they were awful people" or worse , may hate themselves and you for it because they are Black. You see it all of the time on these talk shows..lol! I would like for my kids to think logically of their Black heritage. If they're not going to uphold their culture, then who will? If it weren't for those same Black men and women fighting for right to date/marry a White man and her parents, she wouldn't be saying anything. I really don't think people think about the poison they spew out of their mouth when they talk. As I tell people I'm for all kinds love and Black love.

    You can run away from life's problems. Just because you hook with a member of another race doesn't always men you got it good. If they do, they must be psychic. Any race of men can hurt you as well as them being good to you. This is what some IR blogs need to focus on instead of telling the world go to a White man..life will be good. That is not always the case.

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    1. Yeah it's probably the same site. It feels more like shaming people and less so giving helpful life advice.

      What gets me I think is that some of these people will get mad if you lump white men and black women into the same group BUT are VERY quick to do this to other groups. It's ALL black men are messed up but only, SOME white men are. I just think it's a problematic way of thinking. I have had some not-so-good with experiences with black men, and I also know other black men who aren't the same way. And I can say that for white men and Asian men as well.

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  4. I have noticed this about a lot of blogs. I get if that person is dating a certain POC, but the fact they will put up a list of why you should stay away from other races. I remember one blogger mentioned that Asian men would not date black women because their families would be against it and the men would always follow the family's wishes. Where the white men would stand up against their family. I did not even bother to tell her of the many white men who have dumped black women because their family did not like the relationship. Let's be honest. There are crappy men of ALL races. You need to find the right man for YOU. Regardless of his color. You can't do it putting others down plus how do you think you look to him if you are doing that?

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    1. Yeah the family thing almost immediately comes up when it comes to Asian men, even when people give clear examples of this not even being an issue. And what's the response? "Oh it's probably because he's more white-washed!" I have actually seen this is a response! Very headache inducing.

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    2. "I remember one blogger mentioned that Asian men would not date black women because their families would be against it and the men would always follow the family's wishes."

      This is the one I hear the most from other bloggers. Along with the "there are more white men" speech so its easier to just date the majority. The preach about black women dating out, but how its more advantageous with white men. Pretty much the whole if you are going to date out do so with white men because your life will be better than with any other race.

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  5. I know of those who you speak and they are cray-cray....Had to unlike their page because her/their disdain goes beyond Black and Asian men....In case you didn't know their is a size limit to dating out......So the meme was that Black women need to lose weight in hopes of dating white men....lol...yeah because none of us have ever seen a white guy with a fat white chick....they all drank the kool-aid and are cray-cray....

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    1. "white guy with a fat white chick."

      No no no! It's fine for white womenz to do that but not use! We must be without children, be super fit, higher education, able to cook, clean, not have "black sounding" names, basically we need to perfect to get their attention! ::eyeroll::

      I mean I'm all for striving to look your best and be your best, but I'm very wary of being told to do these things to get the attention of men. You need to do it for yourself.

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  6. Being the product of a biracial relationship, I know I was certainly in for a rude awakening when I first realized that just because you were in a IR relationship, that didn't mean that you couldn't be prejudice. Well, it certainly opened my eyes when I actually talked to some women (that weren't my mom) and yikes. It's often that sort of "Oh ____ men are terrible, but I'm with one of the GOOD ones." Whenever my mom is in the room, I often see her having to bite her tongue or politely tell them oh how wrong they are. I often feel the same way too at times.

    Then there are the guys too. When I did an exchange in Korea, there were a number of the white guys there who had no problem putting down North American women and then stereotyping Korean women as submissive and inexperienced and easy. So many side-eye moments.

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    1. Haha your mom shoulda slapped them!

      The white guys in other countries has almost become a cliche now. They're called Charisma Men in Japan. Back when I was in my "I will fight your ass over the internet days!" I got into a really heated conversation with a guy on a message board. The topic was about a Japanese guy looking to date an American girl and some dude seemed bent on telling this guy not to do it and stick with Japanese girls. Luckily a lot of the people on the board had an "date whoever you want" attitude, but this one dude seemed so adamant on finding ways to crap on any woman that wasn't Asian. Eventually he was banned from the site.

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  7. Oh god, the whole putting-down-entire-groups-of-people thing is so unspeakably stupid. I have to sit through so many instances of white guys telling Japanese girls why they should date white guys not because of any positives but because Japanese guys are this, that and the next thing. If the best thing you have to say for yourself is that your aren't something, that should tell you to take a good hard look at yourself!

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    1. LOL I'll just leave this here: http://creepywhiteguys.tumblr.com/

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  8. Omg.....thank you for writing this post. If it is the same site that I'm thinking of, then you are absolutely on point. I thought I was being overly paranoid, but I am glad that I am not the only one who picked up on this disturbing pattern. While I do enjoy some of the posts from time to time, I do get bothered by the whole "other POCs won't accept you...but the white knight will sweep you into his arms and love, honor, and cherish you unconditionally" theme that pops up all too often. If they want to promote IRs with White Men....fine! I just wish they would stop shading IRs that do not involve white men. Because, trust and believe, not all IRs with other POCs result in bad outcomes....and not all IRs with white men are cakewalks. I could go on and on...but I will just become heated...and honestly, you said everything I have been feeling!

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  9. I so agree with you, I live in mednia and there's nothing but a bunch of white people and a few mix and blacks(I'm not racist at all) but some people around here have a problem with a black person dating a white person. I get so upset cause people act like they like you but the don't. I really get upset like in movie,tv show and tv ads. there's always a white person who has one color friend or as ememy. It's rare to see IR couples friend etc. White people always has to be the center of attention in everything. there's white people who has contact,hair extension and stuff like that and there's black girls who do it too. But it's not natural for a black person to have nice hair, light eyes and nice skin. I know that sound racist but like I said I'm not. It's just annoying how white people think there better than everyone else. I get judge all the time cause I like asian men and people told me "oh your just a black girl, there's no way in hell you are going to find an asian guy to like you." I went searching and found your site. Sorry to complain Congrats on your wedding! I'm very happy for you and you said everything I have been thinking for a while but never said anything cause I sound racist. But I hope all black women who like asian guys, get to date them and all that. Congrats again.

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  10. You hit this one out of the ball park! I get so tired of reading these black women blogs who idolize white males. I am not that attracted to white guys (sorry, but it's a fact). As a black woman, I have had two Chinese boyfriends and I'm interested in this one Japanese man I met when I went to Japan last summer. We correspond via facebook and he keeps asking when I'm coming back and he wants to come here. Yeah, yeah I know: Asians aren't into black chicks. Especially middle aged, dark skinned, broad featured ones like me. Somebody forgot to tell THEM. lol I like Asian men but honestly, I am not into ALL Asians. I really like Japanese and Chinese men. Anyway, thanks for your insightful post!

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  11. I know which blog you are talking about, previously they posted reasons not to date Asian men & why white men are easier to date. I mean it's not as if white men never use black women or their parents never disapprove (sarcasm). I like to be open minded & don't believe in putting white men on a pedestal & pre judging men & making assumptions that Asian men will be harder to date than white men.
    Recently the blog has tried to back peddle and make more positive articles on black women with Asian men & they support that more than they do black women with black men.
    However their interests mainly cater to black women with white men.
    Give me pharrell williams or Godfrey Gao over Bradley Cooper any day. I find black & east asian men more attractive than white men. I do find some white men attractive but don't go out of my way to put them on a pedestal.

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  12. You are quite right. I agree that no one should make themselves feel better at the expense of another. And the black/asian combo is still quite are you get the looks. In our courting days when hubby and I were getting to know each other it was sometimes tense for us. If we went into China Town I'd feel daggers in my back. If we went to areas were there was larger black populations we'd get the stares and looks of disbelief. I'm talking walk on by head whip around still walking still looking but as we got tighter and love bloomed we saw none of that. These days while its rare we do see more black/asian couples in London. Funny thing is, my husband is mixed race. He's Chinese Italian and more inot urban music and culture than I could ever be lol. The only thing Chinese about him his appearance lol. So it the message is as the cliche goes: don't judge a book by its cover. Get to know the person you might like what you find ;0)

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  13. Interracial relationships have been a trend phenomenon in todays world, people are striving to gain interracial relationships by dating interracial singles online. Singles finding love, culture and many such things new in order to find new wave length in their life. But many of the countries are opposed to interracial marriages, in fact, it is true but now a days most of the percentile of people are happy with the interracial relationships.

    In developed countries like America 3 out of ten people have still own their personal bias on interracial dating. As like any dating category there are pros and cons with interracial dating. We can learn other racial cultures and customers. This interracial bonding helps you to date your like-minded partner beyond your race, culture and customs. Around 15% of marriages in US, Canada are happening with multicultural back grounds. In addition to this online dating services are growing tremendously without decreasing it’s graph cycle.

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