Dating Asian Guys 101: Live and Learn

12.3.14 ShaSha LaPerf 6 Comments

Hey folks! I wanted to post this over the weekend, but I ended up deleting the entire thing and started over a few times. This is another of on my Dating Asian Guys blog posts. I came up with this blog post because recently I've been reading some of the journals I kept while I was in Japan. I'm considering writing a novel based off my experiences, but in terms of priorities that comes after honeymoon, house, website revamp, and blog, LOL. Anyway, I as I was reading I was reminded of how big of a mess I was.

I was fucking terrible at dating.

And this was confirmed when I started reading some journals I kept when I moved back to the states. As I was reading, I took note of some patterns and hang-ups I had. I didn't know what I really wanted most of the time, I ignored flags, I was impatient, basically I was a mess. Eventually I got into a much better dating groove, gained more confidence in who I was and wanted I wanted. This was a gradual thing, and life didn't always work out the way I wanted to at that time, but it just meant that I learned even more about myself.

So I wanted to discuss some of the common issues I had from my dating days. Some of these I've probably mentioned in an old blog post or two, but hey sometimes things just need to be said again in more paragraphs. The majority of what's been said here focuses on the earlier stages of dating.  I had a hard time thinking about a picture theme for this post, so no pictures.

Mistake No. 1: Not Putting in Enough Effort
In my early dating days, my idea of "effort" was just going to a nightclub and dancing in the corner. Or just posting a half-ass online dating profile and expecting men to fall at my feet. Which actually did work in Japan, LOL. I'm a tall black woman, so even in the corner I stood out, and I used Japanese dating sites, so that made me noticeable as well. But that can only work for so long. Heck in DC there are a lot of tall, beautiful ladies running around. Being a wallflower wasn't always going to get guys to look my way. You have to put yourself out there sometimes. If you're just sitting around on your computer reading stuff Manga Reader all day long, I will give you side eye for complaining about being single. Your life isn't a porno; a hot dude is not going to just magically appear on your doorstep. Even if he did, don't just expect him to ask you all the questions.

There needs to be some work on your end. Yes, I know the saying "sometimes love finds you." But how can love find you if you're not going out to do things so the love GPS can even kick in? In Japan I joined a co-ed volleyball team, and in the states I went to young professional happy hours, speed dating, anime cons and more. So get off your butts and go out! Okay, let's say you're not really the going out type. Then put yourself to work online. While being a part of an AM/BW group is great, there are plenty of other options from general forums on whatever topic you like to online dating. Even still participate! Respond to topics of interest, start topics, if you have some silly throwback pictures, go for it. I always say find something you're really interested in so that people will likely see a more genuine side of you. And if you don't meet someone at least it wouldn't be a complete waste of time. So take some action!

Mistake No. # 2: Letting Insecurities Get In the Way
I think everyone has battled with insecurity in their lives. I know I did. Be it due to my height, my hair, heck even just being a black chick made my hyper aware of being a black chick. And these insecurities heightened when I started doing interracial dating. It wasn't just "does he like tall girls?" It became "Does he like tall black girls with an afro?" It's funny, I just assumed that while black men could deal with what I considered to be my flaws--yep at one point I really did think of stuff like my height and my hair as "flaws"--I felt like white or Asian men wouldn't have been able to deal with it. So initially these are the reason why I was hesitate to date outside my race. Then when I decided that I wanted to branch out, I damn near started the conversations with "do you like black girls?" Even if a guy really seemed into me, I was still suspicious, thinking, "oh an Asian guy can't really like a black girl." I won't say it was easy for me to get over thinking this way because it wasn't. Eventually I started to realize that I was an entertaining person and people wanted to be around me because I was who I was. And this is something that you ladies will have to do. Stop spending so much time wondering if a guy will like you even though you're tall or short or big or skinny or too dark or your hair is too thick. Remind yourself of WHY a guy would like you and WHY he could like you. Let your more positive attributes be your focus.

Mistake No. # 3: Failing to Realize That Not Every Guy Will Like You
You finally decided to put some effort and go out and meet someone. However it doesn't mean that guys you have your eyes on will feel the same. There were definitely dudes I thought were really, really cute, but they clearly weren't interested. They didn't look my way. They didn't call, or when we went out, there was very little conversation. No effort to touch me or look at me, laugh with me, smile with me. Sometimes I'd go out on a date an totally think we hit it off when he didn't return my calls. Yet I kept insisting this guy would be the one. Not a good look.

You have to remember that some guys just won't be into you. Now I know it's easy to jump on the "it's because I'm black!" or "It's because Asian guys are shy!" reason. Yes there are some Asian guys that are racist assholes that don't want to date black women because of their race. And yes there are some shy guys. But I honestly think these guys are much smaller group than we think. Really, reasons can vary. Some guys are shallow and won't be into you because you're too tall or he doesn't like your hair or thinks your thighs are too big. Sometimes it's because the physical distance between you too is far and he's not interested in a long distance relationship. And sometimes it doesn't even have to do with you; maybe he has his own baggage to deal with and a relationship at that time is not on his radar. Or maybe he has a girl he's already totally in love with, and that's why his eyes haven't been looking your way. Sometimes you'll get as far as a date, and you know you're feeling him, but he's not feeling the same way.

It doesn't matter how many black girls he's liked or dated before you, it doesn't matter how shy he is or how far away he is, if a guy is really into you he will do SOMETHING to show it. But Not everyone will have a special spark even after a date or two, and there's no point in pursuing something you know you can't get in to. In the end, he just doesn't like you the way you want him to. There is no magical way to get a guy to like you. I don't care what my spammers say, no magical potion is gonna work. Now can a guy's feelings for you change over time? Sure. But you can not force these changes to happen, they will have to happen on his own time. If his feelings don't change, then movie on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't do the same for you. Dealing with the hurt and perhaps rejection is a pain in the ass, but it's something you can get over. Just means that guy wasn't the one for you, and someone else is.

Mistake No. # 4: Trying to Make Something out of Nothing
That whole "he's just not into you" totally goes both ways. Basically a lot of what I said in the above section applies here, so I won't spend too much time repeating things. But I will say that you can't force yourself to like someone. There were times when I just wanted to have a boyfriend for the sake of having one...and that's a bad idea. Because it's very easy to ignore obvious red flags. Or you're hoping that if you stick him things will get better. You think well maybe the first date was bad because we were both nervous. Then it becomes, okay the second date wasn't great but we were still nervous. Then it's, fifth date...I hate this fool, but maybe it will get better. It won't. You can't force yourself to like him. Despite what you think, other men are out there and you should spent time cultivating a relationship with someone you have feelings for who feels the same way.

Mistake No. #5: Trying to Stick to an "Ideal Guy" List Because Hot Guys Will Ruin It All
I think everyone has that list of qualities they expect their significant other to have (even though some folks probably wouldn't even meet their own requirements...myself included). I certainly had a list. A dude who was 5'11," preferably Asian, no more than two years older or younger, have a Masters degree, smart, funny, outgoing, the list goes on. You know what ruined that list for me? Really good looking guys. I'm not saying that good looking guys won't have great qualities, but don't doubt that what's on your list won't change when you see a really hot guy. It went from "He's hot, but he's only 5'8"...I can work with that." "He's 22...but he's so cute! I can work with that!" You get the idea. Making changes to your list isn't always a bad thing though because it does open you to meeting other people. I actually did meet guys that fit my requirements...and we didn't work out. But it didn't work out with the guys who didn't fit on my list either, LOL. Eventually I ended up with a man who's attractive, five-years older with a JD, an inch shorter than me and Chinese-American. What I didn't account for was him being a sports freak who wants to rush grocery shopping so he could get home to watch a freaking basketball game. -_- So you can make all the list you want, but don't expect to stick with it.

Mistake No. #6: Getting Frustrated When Things Don't Go Your Way
So you start putting in effort, and find yourself being turned down by every guy under the sun. Or you're the one doing the rejection. It's pretty easy to go into the "I give up!" mode and get jaded.
I think I actually wrote this about six or seven times in my journals. You're not done with love or all men, you just need to take a little time for yourself. Dating or trying to find a boyfriend or even having a relationship shouldn't be the only thing going on in your life. Take breaks for it all to concentrate on other things. It was around my last few months in Japan that I decided to stop expecting some J-guy to sweep me off my feet and come running into the airport to tell me not to leave him. I shifted my focus from guys to getting back into art and jewelry making--which I still do now. Well not the jewelry making, but art is a very high priority in my life now. :) Now I'm sure you're like, "well obviously you gave up because you were leaving!" But the breaks didn't end when I came back home. I would have one or two months where I would go out and date and if nothing was working, I would spend a few weeks not dating. In addition to focusing on my job and art (I was going to art school at the time), I would do some self-reflecting. Why didn't it work? It was probably because I was still stuck doing those same things I mentioned above. When I felt like getting back into the game, I did. So when you're having those times when it seems like every date is an abyss of boredom, the give it a rest for a while.

Mistake No. #7: Being Desperate
Yep I admit it. I was desperate to have a boyfriend. You know, I'm still not really sure I had theses feelings. Looking back on it, I think there were a lot of reasons as to why I felt this way. When I was in Japan, I wanted to prove to people that black woman could date Japanese guys because black women were just as awesome as any other woman. When I was in high school, guys hardly looked at me, so I wanted to show I could be the successful fun gal who had the guy of everyone's dreams. By the time I returned from Japan, a lot of my friends had gotten married, so that had me feeling some kind of way too...I didn't want to be the "single one" at their weddings. And sometimes I was horny as hell and having someone on call who also actually wanted to go on dates seemed like a great idea. And the more I think about it the sillier I think it sounds. Most of my reasons were about proving others wrong. So I had to realize that I needed to do things for me and not to deal with the way other people thought of me. That's when I started taking the breaks and spending more time figuring out what I wanted. It was more about the focus of dates being fun. If it turned into something great, but it was less, "I need this guy to like me so I can do blah, blah, blah so people will see me a certain way."

So that's it. Well that's not really it, I made some other mistakes, but this post is already too long. Maybe I'll make it a two-parter later on. And I spent all this time talking about the mistakes I made and the things you shouldn't do when dating. Some of my experiences were painful, some were infuriating, and others were pretty embarrassing. And...I don't regret any of it. Perhaps that's because I could have gone through much worse, but I feel like in the grand scheme of things, this stuff wasn't all that traumatizing. If anything a lot of these mistakes shaped who I am and my ideas of dating. And this resulted in me finding someone I love. But as I said at the beginning, it took me a while to figure this out. There was a lot of self-reflection and patience in addition to not falling back into the same habits.

Now don't take this post as me thinking things always went wrong because it's my fault because that's not the case. I definitely had some stories of guys who can take a fair amount of the blame for why things weren't going so well. However I think sometimes we do need to look at ourselves and our decisions and realize that we are fallible people. You shouldn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about it, but spend some time thinking about it. You'll also realize that you're not the only one gone through some things. And you'll realize that even though these things happen, life goes on.

Okay, okay enough with the talk. Shen and I are finally getting around to our honeymoon, and I need to pack. So no more posts for a while, but will get to any good honeymoon stories when I get back!


  1. This was something I really needed. Thank you so much. I feel like you're talking to me-- O_O"-- and although I'm a little embarrassed I am so glad you shared this. I'm also glad that I'm not the only one who is like this. You're awesome! Have a great honeymoon!

  2. everything was on point! I thank you for this post. I have a lot to think about and reflect on. Happy honeymoon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. I can relate to this post sooo much, wow. You know, I loved that you talked about the mistakes that you made and the issues you had to work through, but WITHOUT feeling the need to crap on other black women. It seems every time I look on an ambw site, the bw of the couple has to leave a steaming coil on other bw for not doing it right. There's so much damned finger wagging about how bw "need to" do this or that or "need to stop doing" xyz. Well, guess what? We are HUMANS, reared in imperfect circumstances, trying to do our best to navigate the complexities of love. Other races of women don't nail the dating game instantly and automatically from birth- but I don't see people lining up to piss all over them for it.

    So, thanks, Sha-Sha, for your reflections. And happy honeymoon!

  4. I feel like Terra Sean. I definitely needed to read this, especially #4, because (embarrassingly enough) I have had the thought of, "I bet it's because I'm black >_>" which is silly, haha. Yet, that type of thought has crossed my mind. Even though now, there is an Japanese guy that I like very much, sometimes I still have thoughts and insecurities, I have to remember to be more confident about myself and start thinking positive.

    This was a good post! I was planning on making one similar someday myself!

    And have a good honeymoon!

  5. Curious.. if a woman is not single but have a feeling toward asian men.. What would you advice? I know it is not a bad thing to ask but it is always something that a woman would wonder back in her mind from time to time.. I have a friend who is going through this. She felt that there is something out there but was not sure what to do about this situation..

  6. big supporter of ambw, love ur stuff :)